065 The One Thing

This is the time of year where everyone is in a rush to get things accomplished.  So many of us have set a deadline of December 31st as the day when all must be right in our world.  So what do we do, we cram in as many goals as we can in this short about of time so that we can feel accomplished.  Now, while that sounds good…it typically leads to unnecessary pressure, comparison, anxiety, and more stress.  So I want to share with you my view which is that everything doesn’t need to get done by December 31st and the importance of working smarter instead of harder, and so I hope to inspire you to focus on the one thing!

Yall know how we get during this time of year.  It’s a mad dash to see how much you can get done before the year is out.  We have given the end of the year this symbol that represents the end.  Like before this year ends I need to do xyz, as if I can’t continue to work on it in the coming year.  I don’t know how many times I’ve heard people say “I got to have this goal reached by the end of the year.”  And I always wonder, why?  What happens if you roll into January 1st and it wasn’t accomplished?  Do you just stop working on it because the new year has come in?  I certainly hope not!  You should continue to work on it.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for setting goals and appropriate timelines, but the pressure we put on ourselves this time of year to do EVERYTHING we’ve ever dreamed of before the year is out is stressful.  Some of you are stressed and full of anxiety about the start of the new year because you’re so worried about what you haven’t done THIS year.  So what do you do…you have a cram session.  You remember those from college or high school.  Test time is coming and you haven’t been preparing consistently, so at the last minute you cramp in as much work as you can.  Now if you were anything like me, cramming was sometimes a hit, and sometimes a major miss.  But most importantly, I didn’t really learn or retain much during a cram session.  Unfortunately this is what we do sometimes with our life goals.  Because a new year is approaching we decide last minute we want to get work out more, eat healthy, start a business, take a course, read more, start meditating, work toward that promotion, decrease social media activity, spend time with your family, and so much more.  Now I just listed about 9 goals…and the thought of trying to reach all of these goals at one time makes my head spin.  But this is what we do.  Even outside of the end of the year.  We do this all the time.  We have a thousand goals in our mind and we try to reach them all at the same time.  What ends up happening is that we have so much going on that we burnout and reach NONE of the goals that we set.  I’ve been guilty of this as well.  Setting so many goals that it feels daunting.  We can keep it up for a little while, balancing all of those hats, but eventually, things begin to crumble.  Guys, I don’t want you looking at the next month and a half of this year as the time to cram in as many things on your to do or to accomplish list as possible.  I want us to be smart.  I want us to be intentional.  I want us to do things that we can withstand that continue into the next year. 

So since I’ve had some experience with this myself, I’ve been able to learn a things or two and I want to share these gems with you today.  I want us to talk about how to really get things done in a way that we actually move forward.  See, I’ve learned that sometimes we are doing a lot, but we aren’t really going anywhere because we aren’t focused on what really matters.  This is where the concept of “The One Thing” comes into play.  So, when I first began working on launching my business, one of the very first business books I read was “The One Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results” By Gary Keller.  And, as the title says, it talks about the importance of focusing on one very important thing at a time.  Now what I learned from this book is almost the exact opposite from what society tells us.  Society tells us that we need to have our hand in as many pots as we can.  That we need to wear as many hats as we can.  That you need to stay as busy as you can.  And if you’re not doing these things then you aren’t on the path to success.  Well, I believe that there is more than one way to success and the one thing path can be a smarter and less stressful one. 

So in order to take this less stressful and more focused path you must first ask yourself “What does success mean to me?”  Yall, this question sounds simple, but boy oh boy, for some of us, it’s not.  See, things get complicated when you have a view of what success is to you and then social media says that’s not enough, or your family doesn’t agree, or your friends have success in a different way that looks appealing.  One minute you determine that success means raising healthy and happy children…then a few months later that doesn’t feel like it’s enough anymore.  One quarter success looks like making partner or becoming a supervisor…then the next quarter that’s not enough.  Now you need your own business.  Listen, nothing is wrong with changing your view or your mind.  But I KNOW that we live in a society where the definition of success is constantly shoved down our throats as this very materialistic thing.  You see it all around you, even if you aren’t looking for it.  But this is when you have to become in tune with your star player (as Katt Williams would say).  You have to block out all of the noise, all of the pictures of what success should look like according to social media, block out all of the opinions of family and friends that don’t align with your vision.  You have to be honest with yourself about what it means to be successful to you, and be a-ok with others not understanding it.  There were people who thought I was crazy when I quit my job to stay home with my children.  There were even more people who raised an eyebrow when I said I was starting a business.  I had to learn to give zero cares!  I have to remember what success meant for me at that moment.  So ask yourself what does success mean to you.  Sit with it for a while.  Unplug from everyone else’s definition so that things can become clear.  And THEN you can begin to work that path toward success.

So, once you know what your goal or goals are, you can now begin to work.  And the first thing you need to do is prioritize.  Right now, in this season, and as we move into the coming year…I don’t want you to try and do it all.  I want you to prioritize and focus on the most important thing on the list.  Each week, I want you to ask yourself, what matters most, what’s the one thing I can do that will truly impact my life positively.  That thing is what I want you to focus on.  Pick a goal and go hard on that one goal.  I’ll use myself for example.  Right now, this week, my goal is to record as many podcast episodes as possible.  So outside of seeing my counseling clients, recording podcast episodes is all I’m focusing on.  Once that’s done, I can more to the next priority.  If I have 3 and 4 things that I’m trying to focus on at one time, something is not going to happen.  Something will fall by the wayside.  And when that happens, what do we do?  We begin to feel bad, we begin to doubt our capabilities, we begin to feel like failures.  And the truth is, you just didn’t set yourself up for success.  So for the rest of this year, instead of seeing how much you can get done, see what is the one thing you can go hard on that will positively impact your life the most. 

Now I know some of you are thinking…but I can do so much more!  Why only do one thing.  I’m a great multitasker.  Well, I hate to break it to you, but, multitasking is a myth.  Let me read you an exert from the book “The One Thing” it says “When you try to do two things at once, you either can’t or won’t do either well.  If you think multitasking is an effective way to get more done, you’ve got it backward.  It’s an effective way to get less done.  Multitasking is merely the opportunity to screw up more than one thing at a time.”  Have you ever been talking on the phone and doing something else at the same time.  In that moment it seems like you’re doing a great job.  But the truth is that your mind IS going to focus more on one thing than the other and that other area will suffer.  So either you will eventually zone out on your conversation or that other thing you’re working on won’t get your undivided attention.  Now take that small example and apply it to your major goals.  Now let me preface this by saying, sometimes you have no choice but to work on multiple goals at one such as going to school and working full time.  I’ve been there.  But even in that situation you’ll have to prioritize your time.  But what I’m talking about it when you say ok this month I want to work on my fitness, spirituality, self care, and my career.  How Sway?  Now I do believe that nothing is impossible, but trying to make all of these things #1 in your life at the same time is a set up for a rough time.  Trying to juggle all of these things will eventually lead to your arms getting tired and you dropping a few of these balls.  So instead of multitasking and trying to do it all at once, why not choose one to focus on, become great at it to the point that it is now common practice, and then move on to your next goal.  So don’t fall for the trap of multitasking thinking you’re going to get it all done before the clock strikes 12 on December 31st.  That is a set up to be let down. 

Now while you are focusing on your one thing this year and on into next year, there is one last thing that I want you to keep in mind in order to be successful and that is the importance of eliminating distractions.  Every week, we set a goal, and every week we have to battle to find the time to get things done.  Not because we don’t have enough time, but because we are spending it on distractions.  I think we are currently living in the most distracted society EVER!  Distractions are everywhere and so easily assessible.  This makes it harder than ever to actually be successful because you have to not only work your goals, but you also have to fight off all this stuff around you.  It’s kinda like eating outdoors.  And as soon as you go to eat your food outside, here come the flies.  They could smell you coming.  So, now, you can’t eat your food because you’re too busy fanning away the flies.  That’s us trying to focus on what matters.  Sometimes we can’t or won’t do it because we’re too busy swiping at that fly called Instagram, that fly called facebook, that fly called youtube, pinterest, television, talking on the phone, that fly called gossip, that fly called laziness.  Yall it’s flies all over the place.  So what do you do when you’re trying to eat and you’re surrounded by flies…you go in the house.  You leave them and go into a place where there is peace.  This is what some of us need to do.  We need to leave the distractions.  Cut out social media.  Turn off the tv.  Don’t answer the phone.  And focus on your one thing.  You have to ask yourself.  If I miss out on social media today will it impact my goal?  Then ask yourself, if I miss out on that one thing today will that impact my goal?  The answers are probably no to the first and yes to the latter.  Guys…this is gonna require some serious discipline.  And it won’t be easy!  But it will be worth it. 

Focusing on the one thing sound like you’re not doing enough.  But I’ve learned that busyness does not equal success.  Like I said earlier, we are working smarter and not harder.  So make a choice this week to focus on your top priority fervently.  And don’t spend the rest of the year running around trying to get as much stuff done as possible.  Focus on what will help you be successful and headed toward living the life you desire.

So I hope you feel inspired to stay true to your definition of success regardless of what other’s think.  To prioritize what’s important and not fall into the trap of multitasking, and to eliminate those distractions that are keeping you from focusing on what matters.  Remember, only you can do what it takes to reach your goals, so stay focused.

So until next time, stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.         

064 Shine In The Darkness

Welcome to the most wonderful time of the year!! It’s November, and during this time of year I get all giddy.  These last two months of the year are so action packed with holidays and celebrations and I just love it.  But with all this love and joy there is one thing that I absolutely despise and hate about this time of year and that is the end of daylight savings time.  Now this one hour change on the clock may seem very insignificant, but for many people this switch from daylight to more darkness leads to a rise in depression, sadness, and just a lack of motivation to do much of anything.  So in today’s episode I am going to help you out by giving you a few suggestions to help you thrive during this seasonal change and I hope to inspire you to shine in the darkness.

“Let’s get clinical, clinical!”  Today I am putting on my clinical hat so that we can make this season a successful one, mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Listen…I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this time of year!  For me, I’m happiness on steroids!  There’s my husband and son’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, then my daughter’s birthday along with other family and it’s just full of joy.  But there this one thing that turns me into a Grinch, and that’s daylight savings time ending.  It annoys me and I feels there is no need for it.  We are already having to deal with the cold weather and to make matters worse it starts getting dark at like 4:30pm.  For most people by the time they get off from work, it’s already dark and all you want to do is go home and get in the bed. 

Listen, my disdain for this change is one thing, but for some people, this change sparks some serious emotional and mental blocks and issues.  There’s depression and seasonal affective disorder, and then there is just an overall lower motivation to do things during this time of year as well.  Let me explain what seasonal affective disorder is.  It is basically a major depressive disorder that occurs due to a seasonal pattern, that typically occurs during the autumn months and ends around March or April.  Symptoms can include fatigue, sadness, feelings of hopelessness, difficulty concentrating, and more.  Most people with seasonal affective disorder have been dealing with it for years and the often times dread this time of year because they know it’s coming.  For some people, this time of year is tough, not just because of the time change, but because of the holidays.  The holidays aren’t a joyous time for everyone.  For some the thought of having thanksgiving dinner with their family prompts stress, fear, and anxiety.  For others, the thought of celebrating another Christmas without that loved one causes sadness and makes them dread the holiday.  This time of year can be very complex and evoke an array of emotions for people.  There may be stress due to overextending yourself financially trying to give gifts.  And on top of all of that, the cold weather can make you just not want to go out and do anything! Causing you to turn into a hermit.  So with ALLLL of this, it is not a surprise that there is a rise in depression diagnosis during this time of year. 

During these last two months of the year everyone is encouraging you to push and get so much done before 2020 comes rolling in, but let’s be honest.  This may be one of the hardest times of the year to actually get things done.  It’s almost like our natural animal instinct wants to take over and we just want to hibernate.  You know, like the bears.  They prepare all year to just sleep during these next few months, and for some of us, that’s what we want to do.  Crawl in bed and just stay there until the spring.  But that’s not how our life works, guys.  We have jobs, businesses, kids, families, projects due, goals to reach, and people depending on us, so we can’t fade to black.  We MUST keep shining. 

So while I doing some research on ways to combat this issue, my husband mentioned that I should look into people who live in Alaska because they go days and days (I believe 30 days) of darkness…absolutely no sunlight.  Let me be honest…I could not imagine living like this!!  But there have to be some people who live there and are thriving in that darkness, and I wanted to know how they are doing so. 

Personally, the cold weather and all the darkness it tough, especially when you have kids.  Their outdoor play time is very limited during this time of year and sometimes I just don’t want to go anywhere in the evenings because it feels like I should be in bed.  But, I have learned that I have to push through these feelings and continue to live life.  I have to continue to be disciplined and continue to be consistent with my work. 

So let’s talk about what we can do during this season to help us continue to live a life that is fulfilling and joyful. 

Tip #1 is Sunlight!! Sunlight doesn’t just look good, it is actually good for the body and the soul.  This is .  especially important if you are dealing with seasonal affective disorder.  You will want to get as much sunlight as possible.  So open the blinds while at home, if it’s going to be dark when you get off from work, step outside during your lunch break to get some sunshine on your face.  Be sure to bundle up, don’t let being cold be an excuse for not getting some sunlight.  Get you the proper winter clothing so that you can go outside and actually enjoy it.  Another option is to use lightboxes.  Light therapy boxes give off light that mimics sunshine.  It is recommended that you sit in front of the box for 30 minutes a day, if you can’t get outside.  It is also recommended that you use this in the morning.  So regardless of which method you use, try to get some light in your life.  During the spring and summer we take the sunlight for granted and we don’t even understand how good it makes us feel, until we lose it during the fall and winter.  So tip #1 is to make a conscious effort to get some sunlight each day. 

Tip #2 is Exercise!  So this tip does two things; 1. It helps you stay active which is known to help with mood disorders.  Getting up and out, getting your blood flowing, and releasing some energy is a great way to help you feel better.  The second thing exercise does is help you keep your weight under control.  Let’s be honest yall…one of the reasons I LOVE this time of year is because of the food!  I’m already plotting what I’m going to eat for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Along with eating for the holidays, some people eat and drink more during this time of year because it’s comforting.  One of my favorite winter traditions is eating ice cream in bed (don’t judge me, lol).  And I know that’s not healthy, but it’s one of the many comfort foods I eat during this season.  Some people eat more because they are happy and some people eat and drink more because this time of year is tough and it’s how they cope.  So in addition to controlling your eating and drinking habits, exercise can help offset some extra weight gain during this time of year.  Because the last things we need is for you to overeat, gain weight, then feel worse this spring and summer because your body feels foreign to you.  So exercise to release some energy AND exercise to stay healthy.

Tip #3 Socializing!  I know, I know…you don’t want to!  You just want to go home, close the door, and come out next year.  But as much as you want to turn into a hermit, I encourage you to try your hardest to do the opposite.  Interacting with others, especially people you actually love and like can be a real mood changer.  Commit to going to social events and actually follow through.  I know I’m not the only person who has said, yeah, I’m going to go to that gathering…only to get home, it’s cold and dark, and decide not to go.  Push through that desire to stay inside.  Talking with others, laughing with others, human interaction, it’s good for you.  Living through text messages and DMs is not enough.  Make a decision to do something each week that requires you to be around those who matter to you.  Now, let me be clear…I’m not telling you to go and spend time with your toxic cousins and them or people who stress you out because you are afraid to say no.  That’s not what I’m saying.  I’m talking about spending quality time with your loved ones who love you and care for you.  It will be worth it. 

Tip #4 is Seek Professional Help!  Sometimes these feelings, the depression, the blues, the lack of motivation to get things done can be too hard for you to shake by yourself.  This is when you need to go talk to a professional who knows all about what you are going through.  I recommend you talk to your doctor and a therapist.  A doctor because they may prescribe medication or vitamins that can help you feel better if you are dealing with seasonal affective disorder.  And a therapist because maybe you need someone to help you process all the things you are feeling and thinking that are contributing to you feeling this way.  You will not do yourself any favors by just trying to battle through this season by yourself.  There are people who are trained to help you with this so why not utilize them?  Whether you’re dealing with grief, stress, family, boundary issues, anxiety…whatever it is, there is someone who can help you deal with it.  So, seek help.  Take care of yourself and talk to a professional.

Tip #4 goes right along with tip #3 and that is journaling.  Just about every therapist out there is going to ask you to journal between sessions…and for good reason.  Yall, journaling is therapeutic.  It helps you take the thoughts that are swirling around in your mind and put them on paper and make sense of them.  This can help you get those negative thoughts and feelings out of your system and can be a great release.  It especially helps if you write about GRATITUDE!  Sometimes we can be so distracted and flooded by what isn’t going well or what we don’t like, that we miss the good stuff.  So yall know how I feel about gratitude journaling.  Just try it and tell me how well it worked for you.

Tip #5, my list tip, is to Be Determined!  I’m going to tell you what I tell my clients who are dealing with anxiety and depression and that is that depression, anxiety, sadness, and anything else will sit on your shoulder for as long as you let it.  It will get all nice and cozy right in your lap and it will weigh you down.  You have to make it move!  You have to do things that will make it leave you.  You have to be determined and consistently work toward making it go.  Do the work…get some sunlight, exercise, socialize, seek therapy, journal, and do whatever else you need to do to feel better.  Action is required.  Be determined to be well this season.  It does not have to be this way.  Take the steps, make the changes, be determined to shine through all the darkness. 

So I hope that you feel inspired to make the most of this season and do the things necessary to feel better, to spend time with those who matter most and with professionals who can help, and to be determined to live the life you deserve mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Don’t dim your light this season, we need you to shine!

So until next time, stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.    

063 Trust The Process

The end of October is upon us!  I mean, seriously, where has the time gone.  I still remember episodes I recorded in like May and now in the blink of an eye we are headed toward November!  Anywho, You’ve been putting in work all year long, and it honestly feels like it’s taking forever for you to get there, where ever there is for you.  You’ve been planning, working, adjusting, waiting, and everything in between, and honestly, you’re kinda tired of it.  I mean, when is this going to be over and you can finally say, I made it?! I get it, I feel you, but in today’s episode I want to provide some insight about the importance of embracing all that you are going through on this journey right now, toward success, happiness, and everything that you’re working toward.  And so I hope to inspire you to trust the process.

I can hear you saying it now “I just want it to be over!”  I’m soooo tired of going through this process.  When will I be done and feel like I finally made it?  I am so over the everyday grind.  I’m sure that most of you who are working on anything important has felt this way a time or two.  I remember when I was in college and I was sick and tired of exams, papers, and projects and I just wanted the process to be done!  I was over it.  And strangely enough…once I graduated, I kinda missed it.  Life is funny like that.  We often spend so much time rushing and pleading for this phase to be done, that we miss all these gems and jewels that we are supposed to gain during the process. 

So guys, I have to be honest, and let you know that the idea of this episode didn’t come from me, it came from a book I just finished reading.  It’s the Magnolia Story by Chip and Joanna Gaines.  You guys know I love HGTV and their show Fixer Upper is one of my absolute favorites!  I’ve been fascinated by their story and the success of their Magnolia brand.  They have their own store, their products are in Target, they even have their own market place in the center of their city that attracts thousands of people per day.  So I was very interested in their story and decided to read up on it.  Here’s a quick tip for you…if you want to know about a person’s process, don’t look online, look in a book.  What you see online is not the process.  It’s the finished product, it’s the highlights.  If you want to learn about the ups and downs, and the nitty gritty of a person’s story, read a book.  So that’s what I did and I was amazed at their process.  What we see now on tv and social media is them making millions and millions of dollars renovating homes and selling furniture…but their process was filled with debt, barely making ends meet, moving from house to house, and almost losing everything.  All while raising four children.  The process was not pretty for them…but Joanna said something very important in the book that stuck with me.  She said that she realized that she needed to learn how to not just survive the process, but thrive during the process.  She didn’t want to live her life saying I’ll be happy once I get “there”…wherever there is.  But she had to learn to be happy during the tough learning experiences.  And with that attitude change, came a change in their situation. 

The book is great and their story is inspiring, but I do know that trying to thrive and enjoy the process isn’t easy.  It can be frustrating, draining, and tiring.  But I’ve learned from reading AND from personal experience that the process has a purpose!  This can be a hard pill to swallow…that allll of this that you’re going through and dealing with…the good, the bad, the ugly…serves a purpose in your life.  Normally, all that work helps prepare you for the future.  It makes you tougher so that when you need to be strong, you can handle it.  When reading Chip and Joanna’s book I learned that before they became these famous stars they spent 10 years in the “process stage.”  And that process helped them to perfect their craft.  This is the case for most of us.  While we are going through the process we are learning so much and gaining so much experience that will be useful in the future.  Those first few years on the job or in the business may be tough, but it provides you with valuable experiences that will help you know what to do and what not to do in the future.  Or even better, going through all of that stuff can help you be able to handle the explosion of success when it comes.  If you were able to thrive when you had limited funds, you should be able to soar when you have unlimited funds.  If you were able to thrive when you had to work for low pay and long hours, you will be able to soar when you are getting the pay you deserve and making your own schedule.  If you can thrive through the process of working full time while going to school, you’ll be able to kill it when you can focus solely on your career.  But first, you have to go through the process!

Let me give you a personal example.  Being pregnant.  I’m sure you were probably expecting a career example, but not this time.  Pregnancy is the perfect example of how the process prepares you for your purpose.  Pregnancy is full of ups like feeling the baby kick and hearing their heart beat during an ultrasound.  It also has its moments when things can be a little stressful such as the first few weeks when things are still very uncertain and worry can kick in.  Then there are moments during pregnancy when you are just over it.  From the sleepless nights because of your baby kicking non stop, to the morning sickness, to the back pain, and not being able to put on your shoes.  From getting up every couple of hours to pee because the baby is sitting on your bladder.  You learn how to thrive during those difficult, yet fulfilling months while your bundle of joy is growing.  And then finally…SUCCESS!  Your baby is born, and believe it or not, all those month have helped prepare you for what’s to come.  Getting up every few hours to feed or change the baby feels pretty familiar to getting up to pee.  Your process has prepared you to be able to handle late nights and early mornings.  You can handle being uncomfortable, because you experienced it for months before.  Now, don’t get me wrong, having a baby is very different from being pregnant with one, but that process really grooms you for the moment when you now have to take care of a child.  The process was tough, but it was worth it.  When I was pregnant with my son he would wake me up every morning at around 5:00am kicking me, it felt more like he was beating the drums.  I think he did it because he was hungry…so after he was born and he would wake up early ready to eat, I was kinda use to it.  The process had prepared me. 

This is just one of many examples of the importance of the process.  Just take a moment and think about all the things you have learned while taking all those classes…working all those hours…and going through even tough times with things such as finances.  You have to ask yourself, what did I learn that has helped me handle life better?  I’m sure you can think of a lesson nor two that you learned.

Now, if you are currently in the middle of the process, like I am, it can be hard to think positively and thrive through it.  So here is a tip to help you out:

Put things into perspective.  Sometimes we can be into our process so deeply that we aren’t able to really see what’s happening in our lives.  It’s important to come up for air, take a step back, and really see what your life looks like.  When we are going through difficult times, the negative is often magnified.  But if you take a moment to really look at what is going right in life, if can help you handle things a little better and maybe even thrive when you hone in on those things.  This is where gratitude helps.  In the book, Joanna said that focusing on her relationship with her kids helped her to thrive during difficult times.  She understood that even though life was far from perfect financially and career wise, she still had something to be thankful for and that she was able to provide for her kids, that they were healthy and happy.  We have to shift our focus from the negative, the tiresome, the frustrating to the good in life.  I get it…during the day, while you’re at work or at school…you are in the grind and you’re not thinking about roses and rainbows.  But once you clock out, please don’t forget to take in ALL aspects of life.  Remind yourself that this won’t last always.  That eventually this season of you life will be gone, and you’ll probably look back at it missing some aspects of it.  Don’t rush through the process.  Sit down daily or weekly and write down what you are learning about yourself and your craft.  Take the time to really grow during this season.  If you don’t when the next phase comes you won’t be ready for it.  It will be too much to handle.  Every successful person will tell you about their process and how ugly or difficult it was.  But I also bet they will tell you they are so glad that they went through it and how much it molded them into the person they are today. 

 So take some time, today, and reflect on your process.  Be thankful for it.  Hunt the good stuff in it.  Kick it’s butt because you know that it is strengthening you for greatness.  It’s just like working out.  Yall…I feel good b/c I’ve been kickboxing AND lifting weights…yall can’t tell me that I’m not a beast!  But the process…it hurts.  Right now my arms are so sore but I understand that this is just one aspect of the process and the more I keep going the better things will get. 

 Listen, we live in a society where it looks like people don’t go through a process.  It seems like everything is instant.  But that’s just not true.  Anything that is here for the long haul will indeed have a process to it.  I encourage you to start learning about it.  Read more and spend less time watching highlights on social media.  Seeing other people’s process can encourage you and even teach you a thing or two.

 So I hope that you feel inspired to embrace where you are and to remember the good in it.  To know that what you are going through now is preparing you for what’s next.  And to take the time to learn from this experience…it will be over before you know it. 

 So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.           

062 You Go Girl!

Have you taken the time lately to reflect on your accomplishments?  Often times we get so caught up in what we need to do, what we didn’t finish, and our failures that we skip over all the amazing things we’ve accomplished.  Well, today is the day that we pump the brakes and actually take a moment to relish in your greatness.  In today’s episode I’m going to tell you all the ways and reasons why you are dope!  I’m going to help you see that even though you may not be where you want to be, you have so much to be proud of, and so I hope to inspire you to pat yourself on the back.

 Today I’m channeling my inner Martin and saying “You Go Girl!”  This episode is an ode to you and all the reasons why you are amazing, all the reasons why you should be proud of yourself, all the reasons why you are worth it, and because of this, all the reasons why you should keep going!  So you may be wondering, why is she doing this?  Well, here’s what I know from personal experience:  we don’t give ourselves enough credit.  We can do 1,000 amazing things in a week, but we will find a way to point out that one thing we didn’t do and just gloss over all the amazingness.  I’ve done it myself.  The need for this episode dawned on me when I looked at my calendar on Friday and I say ALLL the things that were crossed off that I had done.  From seeing clients, to working out, to appointments for my kids, and writing and research.  Then I thought about all the things that I did that was not on the calendar such as cooking, cleaning, spending time with family, running errands, and so on.  And even though I had a very full week and I accomplished a lot…all I could focus on was that one task I didn’t finish by the date I had set.  And after beating myself up for a few minutes for not getting it done, it hit me…I had done A LOT!  I had done so much that I probably can’t remember all the things I’ve done and here I was griping about this one thing.  In that moment I looked at my calendar, smiled, and pat myself on the back.  Because the truth is, I was bomb this week.  I’m bomb almost every week, if I’m honest.  And so are you.  But I’m not sure if you know it.  Guys we are hard on ourselves and we can be our own worst critics.  If someone else told you all the things they went through and accomplished everyday you’d be giving them a round of applause.  Well, it’s about time you do that to yourself. 

So if you still aren’t convinced that you’re this dope and awesome person, let me give you a few reasons why you should pat yourself on the back.  Now before I begin, yes, I understand that none of us are perfect.  All of us still have work to do and we are always growing, but there are times when we have to come up for air and look around at what we’ve done in life.  We must reflect and smile at what we’ve done.  Often times, this is will the what helps us keep going.  So, now, on to why you’re dope.

Reason #1: You wear so many hats, and you make them look good!  Mom, professional, student, daughter, sister, friend, auntie, teacher, mentor, chef, chauffeur, coach, and many so much more.  You wear some or all of these hats, and sis, you’re killing it.  Again, it doesn’t mean you are perfect.  It doesn’t mean that you don’t get tired.  But in spite of it all, you balance all those hats on your head not letting one fall to the ground.  You are constantly doing what you have to do for yourself and others and believe me, the people in your life appreciate you for it. 

Reason #2:  You’re trying.  Life isn’t perfect, but doggoneit, everyday, you’re trying to be the best person you can.  You’re constantly setting goals, you’re constantly taking in things that will help you be a better person.  Shine, the fact that you are listening to his podcast is a sign that you are making efforts every week to be better, and it is my prayer that they are helpful.  Trying sounds very simple, but you would not believe how many people go day after day not trying to do anything or achieve anything.  But you continue to move forward so that you and those connected to you can live life to the fullest, and that my dear, makes you dope.

Reason #3:  You care.  The fact that you’re wearing these hats and the fact that you’re trying shows that you care.  You care about your life.  You care about your impact.  You care about those around you.  Caring is important because it means that you realize that life is so much bigger than you.  The fact that you’re going to school shows that you care about going to the next level.  You starting that business shows that you care about your legacy and positively impacting others.  There are so many things you can be and do in this world that are meaningless, but you care, which is why you’re working so hard to be great.  It’s not easy, but you keep pushing everyday.  You care about your body, so you’ve been working out.  You care about your community so you’ve been working on making a change in it.  We live in a society where it seems like people only care about themselves and being instafamous, but you care about so much more than that…and that makes you dope!     

My final reason, #4 of why you’re awesome is Your Resume.  Sometimes, the best way to bring things into perspective is to look back at the past.  How many amazing things have you don’t this month, this year, since you were born?!?!  I’m sure you can think of a few.  Girl, you’ve been dope for a long time, sometimes you just have to look back at it, the past, that is, and remind yourself of your greatness.  Let’s see…how many degrees do you already have?  How many certifications do you have?  How many years have you been killing it on the job?  How long have you been an amazing mom?  How many times have you had a positive impact on others?  How many times did you do something that you initially thought you couldn’t handle?  Go ahead and count…I’ll wait.  What I’m trying to get you to see is that greatness is in you and you’ve been exuding it you entire life, you just need to “remember who you are” (in my Mufasa voice).

I’m done with my list, but I hope that you can keep going with all the reasons why you are bomb.  Listen, we’re not bragging.  But I think you needed a reminder that it is ok to be great and know it.  Know that you’re killing it!  Embrace it!  And let this encourage you to keep going.  It can be hard to keep going and going and going if you never feel like you’re going anywhere or you’re actually moving forward.  Reflection is necessary.  Stop being so meek and mild and strut your stuff…especially with yourself.  Not telling others about your greatness is one thing, but not telling YOURSELF is unacceptable.  You have to know your power.  You have to know your greatness.  You are dope.  Believe that, and now go walk in it.

So I hope that you feel inspired to pat yourself on the back every once and a while.  To reflect and tell yourself the many reasons why you are great.  And to not get bogged down in the undone things from week to week, but to focus on being the best you possible.  You go girl!

So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.     

061 Self-Accountability

How many times have you said man I wish I had an accountability partner? I know I’ve said that too many times to count and I’m sure you have to. What do you do when that’s not possible? As much as we would love to have an accountability partner one isn’t always available and sometimes the partner you have needs help with accountability themselves. So for today’s episode I want to help you learn how to be accountable for yourself. I am going to give you some tips and tools so that you don’t have to depend on others to ensure that you achieve your goals and so I hope to inspire you to hold yourself accountable.

 If only I had an accountability partner I’d work out. If only I had an accountability partner I’d finish my work on time. If only I had an accountability partner I’d [insert whatever that thing is here]. We’ve all been there. Believing that if we had the help, the over-watch, the checking in of another person that we would be further along than we currently are. Yes, in many cases the saying two is better than one is true. It would be great we had someone to do everything with us whenever we needed the motivation. But that’s not quite how life works. And for good reason.

 Way too often we are giving the power of our consistency, discipline, and success into the hands of this person who supports us and wants us to do well. I have done this so many times. I’ve gone to my husband to be my accountability partner. I’ve gone to my sisters. I’ve gone to my friends to help me stay on track. And every time the same thing eventually happens. I fall off. Was it their fault? Nope, and here’s why. They weren’t the one who fell off...I was. I recall trying to be more healthy and work out at home. I was anti gym and convinced myself that I could work out consistently from home...with the right accountability partner of course...because that’s what really matters (not). So I go to one of the healthiest people I know, my husband and ask him to be my accountability partner. Of course he’s ready and he makes a schedule for me and everything. And he even volunteers to work out with me. How sweet right. So I’m going strong for a while and then one day, after a very long day, he asks “did you work out today?” I’m like nah, not today, I’m tired, I’ll do it tomorrow. He pushes me a little bit but I reassure him I’ll make it up tomorrow. Long story short that one day of not working out turns into a month. During that time, my accountability partner continues to do his job. He asked me, he encouraged me, he pushed me. But what ended up happening is that the truth about accountability partners came out and that is that they have pseudo power. Because the fact of the matter is that your accountability partner can’t MAKE you do anything. At the end of the day it’s still up to you. And this is a very important fact that I think many people miss. The accountability partner can do their job, or not, but it’s still up to you to get things done.

 Now don’t get me wrong, it does help to have someone in your corner pushing you and challenging you, but that is not enough to make things happen. It’s the work from the person who is truly accountable, and that’s you. I often have people come to therapy and one of the reasons they say they are there is because they need an accountability partner. And I always explain to them...I’m definitely going to be here to hold you accountable, but that alone doesn’t guarantee that you will reach your goals because you still have to do the work.

 So if you’ve been stuck recently wishing and praying that you had someone to hold you accountable I’m here to tell you your prayer has been answered! You indeed have someone! And that someone is you! You have to be your own accountability partner. I’m not telling you to get rid of your tribe, but I’m telling you to depend more on your own drive and your own encouragement than that of others.

 So let’s talk about why it’s important that you are your main accountability partner and then we will talk about how to be that for yourself.

 So this is what I’ve learned over the years. If you need to have someone to push you to reach your goal, you don’t want it bad enough. You’re either not ready or you don’t care enough about it. I had to realize that the reason why I would quit working out so easily, even with an external accountability partner, is because I didn’t care enough about it. And that was just the truth. I encourage you to take an honest look at the goals you’ve been struggling to be consistent with and ask yourself why? Ask yourself how important is this to you. Ask yourself what is it costing you NOT to pursue this goal with all your might. There will lie the true reason why you haven’t been disciplined in your work.

 After doing this you may need to reevaluate your goals. You may need to reassess your priorities and figure out what truly matters to you. After you take a long look at your goals and you determine that you are ready to be consistent. You are ready to be disciplined. You are ready to do the work without having someone to be accountable for you, you have to plan.

 The saying goes if you fail to plan then you plan to fail. So here are a few things I encourage you to do while you’re planning to succeed and basically be your own accountability partner.

 The first tip is to step out of your comfort zone. Often times the things that we struggle with accounts are things that have been a struggle for years. I’ve struggles with physical fitness for years and it’s been an up and down battle. For some it’s dieting. For others it’s spirituality. For some it’s consistency with professional goals. Whatever your thing is you’ve probably been in this cycle where you try something, then fall off. You try it again, then fall off. Over and over and over. But I want to challenge you to do something different. Sometimes you have to level up. You have to take things a step further to ensure that you are accountable and consistent. So instead of trying the method you always try, maybe go a different route. I’ll use myself as an example. As I stated earlier, I’ve always been anti gym and tried working out at home. Whether it’s using YouTube, DVD, downloadable plans, I’ve always just tried to manage it by myself. Recently I got very serious and sick and tired of being sick and tired and I decided to step out of my comfort zone. I joined a kickboxing gym for women. I now pay a monthly fee to work out. I have trainers. And you best believe I’m now in there 3 times per week. I leveled up so that I HAD to hold myself accountable or I was gonna lose out. Do you may need to take things a step further. Do the thing that scares you. Do the thing that requires commitment. If you want to work on spirituality and what you’ve been doing on your own isn’t working, join a church and better yet, join a ministry at the church. If you want to work on achieving your goals, level up, hire a coach. If you’re working on dieting, work with a nutritionist. Do the thing that you’ve been avoiding doing because that may be the thing that takes you to the next level. So that is tip number one, to step out of your comfort zone.

 My next tip that will help you be accountable for yourself is to get organized. And the best way to become and stay organized is to use your colander and alarms. Take advantage of that expensive phone you have and put everything that you need to do on your calendar. I know many of us use our calendar for work, but it’s beneficial to use it for your personal life as well. Instead of having a friend remind you to work toward your goal, set a reminder on your phone. Set a time each day that you need to work on that thing. Get detailed and specific. If you were to look at my colander you’d see sessions scheduled, you’d see consultations scheduled, you’d also see days where I am to write, times where I am to workout, alarms that remind me to read, days where I am to do research. EVERYTHING I need to do is there! So that no one needs to hold me accountable. No one needs to babysit me. So pull out that calendar app. I use google calendar. And start planning your success. No task is too small, no reminder is too insignificant. Just give it a try.

 My last tip is to make the choice. Y’all, most of the issues we have with consistency, discipline, and accountability are mental. It’s a mindset struggle. Because each day you have to make the mental decisions to do what needs to be to in order to achieve what you say is important to you. What decision you make is going to then determine what action you physically take. You have to get serious. You have to become determined. You have to choose to get up everyday and do it. Even though you may not want to. You may be tired. You may be scared. But you have to try. Give it some effort.

 Guys listen. I’m not telling you go call your friends and mentors up and tell them you don’t need them to help you anymore. Because even if your self accountability game is on point it’s always nice to have a support system who’s there for you. But what I don’t want you to do is to run those people ragged bc they’re constantly helping you with the same issues over and over. You have got to try. Give it some effort. I’m sure if your friend came to you saying you she needed you to help her by being her accountability partner you’d jump at the opportunity and go all out for them. I’m asking you to give yourself that same energy. Help yourself the way you’d help others. You can do this.

 So I hope that you feel inspired to take the lead in your journey to success. To step outside of comfort zone to take yourself to the next level. And to make the choice everyday to do what needs to be done to create the life that you desire.

 So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.

060 Toxic Relationships Explained

There are certain things that are trendy right now.  Let’s be honest, therapy is trendy at this moment, and I think that’s a great thing.  Another thing that is trendy is the use of the term “toxic.”  Toxic relationships, toxic childhood, toxic masculinity, and so on.  But what does “toxic” truly mean and what does a toxic relationship really look like.  So for today’s episode we are going to discuss these very questions, along with how to manage toxic relationships, and how to heal after you leave a toxic relationship and so I hope to inspire you to get rid of the toxins. 

 Toxic, toxic, toxic…it’s everywhere yall.  I feel like it’s one of those things where ppl are using the word, but they don’t fully understand the extent of the word.  You got folks calling other folks toxic and I’m not sure if they truly understand how strong of a word toxic is.  So I want to make sure that my listeners are informed and knowledgeable so yall can go and school other people, lol.  So let’s start with the basics: what does toxic mean?  Simply put, toxic means poisonous.  Well, what does poisonous mean?  Poisonous means causing or capable of causing death or illness if taken into the body.  It also means extremely unpleasant or malicious.   So what does this word mean when we are using it to describe people and relationships?  Toxic relationships is when a person in the relationship does things that are physically, emotionally, or mentally damaging to their partner.  These relationships can be between partners or spouses, parent and child, it can be between friends, or even at work between co-workers or bosses and their employees.

So let’s talk about what a toxic relationship looks like in comparison to a healthy relationship.  In healthy relationships there is mutual caring, respect, compassion, emotional support, and the relationship feels like a safe environment for both parties physically and emotionally.  There is a shared desire to see each other happy and you work together to do things to help one another, not harm one another.  On the flip side, toxic relationships are basically the opposite.  There can be physical and verbal abuse.  There is damage done to self esteem and it is plagued with insecurity, self-centeredness, and control.  There is no mutual caring as one or both partners care mostly about themselves and their needs.  Now in doing some research I found that there are several types of toxic relationships and if you find that any of these describe relationships that you are in, don’t fret because we will discuss who to deal with them and heal from them. 

So there is the “Bad Temper” toxic partner.  (And when I say partner I don’t only mean spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend, I mean friend, family member, parent, co-worker, etc.) This is the partner who has you walking around on egg shells because they have a hair trigger temper.  Your relationship is based on fear because you never know when things will pop off with that person.  There is the “Guilt-Inducing” toxic partner  This person does things and encourages you to feel guilty anytime you do something they don’t like.  And they use the mechanism of control to get their way and to keep control in the relationship.  I see this issue a lot with spouses and with parent and adult children relationships. Then there is “The User” toxic partner.  This type of person normally sneaks up on you as things seem normal in the beginning.  But slowly and surely you’ll start to see that it’s all about them and them getting their needs met.  The biggest issue with the user is that you can never do enough and it will drain you trying to keep up.  And as soon as you say no, it’s a big issue and you’re a horrible partner or friend.  It’s like that Beyonce song: “The first time I said no, it’s like I never said yes.”  And last but not least there is the “Possessive (often paranoid) Toxic Controller.”  This is your potentially abusive partner.  This is when that cute “jealousy” turns into control and possessiveness and before you know it you’re being accused of everything under the sun.  This type of toxic relationship is bad news and can be dangerous.  So those are just a few types of toxic relationships that are out there.  If you are in an abusive relationship, please work out a safety plan immediately.  Please seek help and leave.  If you need help you can call the domestic violence 24 hour hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or you can visit their website at thehotline.org and chat with someone to get some help. 

So now that we’ve defined and discussed the symptoms and patterns of these types of relationships lets talk about what we can do about them.  So, here’s the thing about toxic people.  YOU CAN’T CHANGE THEM.  This is very tough for many people to understand as they spend years and years trying to change people, thinking that maybe if I don’t dress this way he won’t be jealous, or maybe if I keep my opinion to myself they won’t get mad so easily, or maybe if I say yes to everything I ask they won’t guilt trip me.  You can jump through every hoop, but a toxic person will find a reason to be mad, disappointed, jealous, to guilt trip you and whatever else they do.  It’s them!  Not you!  So the sooner you understand that, the sooner you can begin to focus on what does matter, and that is your behavior.  You can’t control their behavior, but you can control yours, which in turn, may spark change in them.  The best way to create change is to set what?  Boundaries!!  Old Boundaries to the rescue once again.  It is going to be important that you first have a discussion with the toxic partner about their behavior.  Believe it or not, they may not know that they are toxic.  For some people, this is all they know.  This behavior is normal to them, so you may need to have a conversation about how their behavior is effecting your relationship and the changes that need to be made in order for things to keep going.  Now, remember I’m not talking about abusive relationships.  But in the other forms of toxic relationships you can have the conversation with them and even let them know how things are going to change on your end.  If you have a friend who is a user you may need to have a conversation about their behavior and then let them know that you won’t be doing those things for them anymore on a regular basis.  That is your new boundary.  Once it’s set either they will get with it or not.  But it is up to you to uphold your boundary.  Setting boundaries require you to be bold with what you will and will not tolerate anymore from that person and you have to be ok with them saying, nah, this doesn’t work for me and ending the relationship.  If they continue to disrespect your boundary, then you now have to make a choice to end the relationship or in the case of family distance yourself until they get themselves together.  It’s tough, but it’s possible and often times it’s necessary.  This is one of the most prominent issues I work with women with in therapy and I’ve seen how setting boundaries can change relationships for the better or end a toxic relationship all together. 

So now that you’re out of that toxic relationship and you’ve moved on physically, how do you heal?  A lot of mental damage can be done in a toxic relationship.  Self-esteem can be broken down.  Confidence can be crushed.  Identity can be lost.  And people can leave as a shell of their once vibrant and happy selves.  But thankfully, it doesn’t have to stay that way.  The first way to heal after a toxic relationship is time.  Give yourself time to work on yourself.  There is nothing worse than getting out of a toxic relationship and shortly after you jump into another relationship.  Often times some of those same issues will show up if you don’t give yourself time.  The next thing you can do to heal is to attend therapy.  This is where you can go to rebuild.  Therapist are there to help you regain your peace, to learn from those past mistakes, to put boundaries in place so that this doesn’t happen again, and to help you become the person you truly want to be.  If you’re looking for a therapist to help you with this issue visit my website at www.mclaurinmentalwellness.com.  The next thing you can do to help heal is to implement self care.  Self-care requires you to focus on you and often times while in toxic relationships you forget about yourself and everything becomes about the other person.  Practicing some self care will help you to remember that you are important and that you need to be taken care of.  Knowing your importance and worth will also help you keep toxic relationships at bay in the future.  And the last thing I want to mention to help you heal from a toxic relationship is for you to remember that your past doesn’t have to be your present and future.  Let got of the guilt, the shame, the embarrassment of what you went through.  What happened before does not have to happen anymore.  There have been some many amazing people who have gotten out of abusive and toxic relationships and have gone on to learn from those experiences, took the time to heal, and they are now thriving in their relationships.  You can overcome and most importantly can live the life you desire after a toxic relationship.

So I hope that you feel inspired to evaluate your relationships and assess if they are toxic or not.  To set the proper boundaries in your relationships to ensure you are treated properly, and to take the steps necessary to heal after a toxic relationship.  Remember your past doesn’t have to dictate your future.

So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.

059 Overthinking

So I have a few questions for you.  Have you ever laid in bed at night trying to go to sleep only to have your mind thinking about a situation to no end.  Or have you ever had to do something and before you even begin you think of every possible scenario that could happen.  Or maybe you’ve needed to have an important conversation with someone and you spend hours worried about how the conversation will go causing you to think and think and think about what you should or shouldn’t say.  If this sounds like you, you may be plagued with OVERTHINKING!  We’ve all done it from time to time, but for some of use, overthinking is a way of life.  It’s how we process everything and what we do before making any decision.  But unfortunately, overthinking often leads to unnecessary stress, worry, and anxiety.  So for today’s episode we are going to discuss some root causes to overthinking, what overthinking can lead to and how to decrease it, and so I hope to inspire you to get off the wheel.

 I remember when I was in 6th grade we had a class pet.  Do they still do that in school now-a-days?  Anywho, my class had a pet hamster.  And every weekend someone had to take the hamster home with them so it could be taken care of while the school was closed.  Somehow my parents agreed that I could take the hamster home one weekend.  Now, I was low-key scared of the hamster.  I didn’t like to hold it because it felt weird in my hands so thankfully, in its little cage it had some things to keep it entertained.  It had the little water bottle and most importantly, it had the wheel.  Now that hamster would just run and run on that wheel.  Hop off, get some water, then jump back on it.  Now the purpose of the wheel was to give the hamster something to do.  It made the hamster feel like it was going somewhere, but really wasn’t.  Yall see where I’m going with this?  That is what overthinking is like.  It is the process of your thoughts spinning and spiraling, but no real progress is being made.  Once you are done thinking and thinking and thinking, you haven’t gone anywhere or done anything beneficial.  Most likely, you’ve just tired yourself out and like that hamster you need some water and probably a nap.

Everyone has their something that they tend to overthink about.  For some, they overthink about making important life decisions, for some they overthink about small daily choices.  For some they overthink about what steps to take to achieve their goals.  You know what I overthink about?  What to eat.  Lol.  It’s such a simple thing but when my husband asks me “what do you want to eat” it’s like the hardest life decision ever to make.  Maybe that’s because I’m greedy and everything sounds good to me, but this is just an example of how we can take small things and let it take up so much real estate in our minds.  I asked a few people who are close to me what they overthink about the most (notice I didn’t ask them IF they overthink, because I know the answer is yes), but I asked several of them and I was shocked that they all had the same answer.  They all overthink when communicating with others.  It’s the question of how will what I say be interpreted.  Will I be misunderstood?  What are they going to say after I say this?  What can I say to ensure they understand me and aren’t offended?  All of these thoughts and questions and before you know it what should be a quick email or text message has turned into an hour long internal debate of what to say and how to say it.  We see this happening a lot in toxic relationships where people are often easily offended and arguments happen quickly and we see this a lot in cooperate America when people have to communicate with those they feel like don’t understand them or can’t relate to them.  These are just a few areas in which we overthink, but literally…we can choose to overthink about ANYTHING!  Take a moment and think about it.  In the last few days, even few hours, what have you spent a lot of unnecessary time thinking about?

So I know some of you may be thinking right now “why is she saying this is unnecessary?”  Becaues You feel like this thinking process is absolutely necessary when it comes to making a decision.  And I understand your sentiment.  However; I’m here to inform you that it’s not helpful and it’s not healthy.  Here is where we get to the why part.  The reason why we overthink is because of what I call the mental health trinity: fear, worry, and anxiety.  There is a difference between rationalized solution focused thinking and worrying to the point that you spend days and nights thinking about the same things over and over without coming up with a solution.  This just feeds your anxiety and fear.  So when we overthink we often think about these things:  We think about everything that might happen.  We think about everything we are afraid of.  We think about every responsibility and course of action all at once.  This stops many us of from even taking a step toward the direction we want to go into because we can’t get past the thinking process.  This is plagued with “what if’s”, and “I wonder”, and “this might happen”.  These thoughts can be paralyzing causing you to delay progress or to never make progress at all. 

So for some of you overthinking is such a way of life you’re thinking, why do I need to stop doing this.  This is what I’m used to.  This is my go to process.  Well let me tell you what overthinking often causes.  It causes stress, feeling overwhelmed which can lead to depression, excessive worry which can lead to anxiety, and down right confusion because we often take something simple and make it complicated. 

So now lets jump into the how?  How do we cut back or stop this overthinking process all together.  Well the first step is to snap out of it.  Yes, you have to catch yourself spiraling and going down that deep rabbit whole of thoughts and snap out of it.  Sometimes we do things, even unhealthy things, so naturally that we don’t even realize that it is happening.  So the first step is to notice what you are doing.  Have you ever been driving and you’re so in a zone that all of a sudden you look around and you can’t even remember how you got there?  You were just on autopilot.  This is what can happen in our thoughts as well.  You can be so used to overthinking that you don’t even realize that you’re doing it.  It’s as natural to you as driving home.  But you have to snap yourself out of your daze and realize what’s happening because during this process all you are doing is causing more doubt, fear, and worry.  So that’s step number 1.  Realize what’s happening and snap out of it.

Now that you know what you’re doing, the next step is to get to the root thought.  What triggered all of this.  Sometimes we think so much that we can’t even remember what initiated the whole process.  So in order to become more solution focused instead of worrying, you must come up with the root issue.  What is the main question you are asking yourself that is causing you to think for hours or worry for days.  Figure out what the true problem is and in order to do that you have to peel back all of those extra thoughts and get to the root issue.  Typically, when we are overthinking about something there is fear.  So you may need to ask yourself, “what am I afraid of?”  If I do this things that I’m thinking about what do I fear will happen.  If you’re overthinking a conversation, you have to ask yourself “what am I really worried about here?”  When doing this sometimes you’ll realize that there is nothing to fear, other times you will see that there is cause for concern, but instead of worrying and overthinking you should do the next step and that is to plan and work. 

Instead of thinking and thinking and coming up with scenarios of what if, just make a plan.  Write it down and simply things.  After you discover what needs to be done and you make your plan, now you have to get to work.  Let me tell you something I just learned.  Sometimes, overthinking is a coverup for laziness.  Gasp!  How is that you ask?  Well Overthinking makes you feel like you’ve actually done something, when the truth is you haven’t done anything at all.  Have you ever had a day when you spent the whole day thinking about stuff and when the day ends you feel like you did a lot, but in all actuality you haven’t been productive?  You feel exhausted, your mind feels like you’ve done a full days work, but you haven’t accomplished anything.  You just had a whole bunch of thoughts.  Don’t let your thoughts distract you from actually getting things accomplished.  Overthinking can be a way to seem busy without actually getting busy.  You’re running in place.  Spinning on a wheel.  Rocking in a chair…you’re moving, but you aren’t going anywhere.  Get to work.  Come out of your thoughts.  Leave la la land and start acting.  Say to yourself that before the day ends, I will have done something, ANYTHING, in reference to this situation other than just thinking about it.  Challenge yourself to follow the steps provided here to come out of your thoughts and get back to real life.

Guys, overthinking doesn’t have to be a way of life for you.  By decreasing and stopping this habit you can decrease your anxiety, sleep better at night, be more productive during the day, and worry less.  Just try to snap out of it, get to the root of the matter, make a plan, then get to work.

So I hope that you feel inspired to get off the wheel of worry and start moving forward more productive thinking.  To deal with any fear and worry that you may be having about life situations.  And to start working your plan instead of overworking your mind.  So until next time, stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.

058 Faith & Mental Health

So guys we’ve spent the last few weeks talking about goal setting and making your dreams a reality and over the coming few weeks we are going to be shifting gears.  We will be talking more about having a healthy mind, because truthfully you can set all the goals you want, but if your mind isn’t healthy, it makes it harder (not impossible) for you to accomplish the things you want to achieve.  So today’s episode was prompted by the recent passing of Pastor Jarrid Wilson, who was the pastor of a megachurch in California, a mental health advocate, and even though he was a man of faith he struggled with depression and ultimately committed suicide.  So I want to discuss the misconceptions that many of us have about faith and spirituality and it’s relation to our mental health and so I hope to inspire you to seek help.

 Pastor Jarrid Wilson committed suicide earlier this month, September 2019.  Hearing the words pastor and suicide in the same sentence is kind of mind boggling to some.  But let me inform you, Pastor Jarrid Wilson is NOT the first pastor to commit suicide.  Just last year, several pastors committed suicide because of their own various reasons.  But it doesn’t stop there.  It’s not just pastors who are struggling, as it’s reported that 70% of pastors experience depression symptoms or burnout, but let’s think about the congregation.  Every Sunday, millions of people fill churches and yet they are suffering with mental illness.  Depression, anxiety, bi-polar symptoms, sadness, grief, and so on.  People who believe in God, who have been saved by Jesus, and who serve him daily…have issues.  Huh?  How can that be?  How can it be that people who believe in God have issues, have suicidal thoughts, are anxious, feel extreme sadness.  Well, the truth is that even though people believe in God, they are STILL HUMANS IN THIS WORLD!  No one is exempt from issues or hard times, not even God’s people.  But this belief that if I’m a Christian I shouldn’t have a mental illness is what keeps so many people bound.  It stops them from seeking help.  It keeps them from telling others the truth about what they are feeling or thinking.  Because they believe that as a Christian, I’m not suppose to have THIS struggle. 

Here’s what I need for your guys to understand, especially the believers out there.  There is a difference between the spirit and the mind.  They are too separate things, and often times, they can battle with one another.  How many times has your spirit said do one thing, but your mind says do another?  There are times when my spirit says I need to go to church, but my mind tells me all the things I need to get done around the house.  My spirit says get up and pray, but my mind says girl you’re tired get some extra rest.  My spirit says you have so much to be thankful for, but my mind finds something to complain about.  Let’s take it a step further.  Your spirit says you are healed, but your mind says you should be anxious about what the doctor will say.  Your spirit says you can do all things through Christ, but your mind says you’re not good enough to achieve that thing.  Your spirit says you are loved, but your mind tells you that no one cares about you.  Your spirit says you have a purpose, but your mind says end it, there is no purpose for you here.  Yall, having God in your spirit does not make you exempt from the enemy messing with your mind.  It does not make you exempt from being effected by the struggles in the world.  It does not make you exempt from feeling down and out.  What being a Christian means is that you have the power to overcome those things because of Christ!  It means that you have someone inside of you who is bigger than all of those things.  But far too often we don’t use the tools and resources that God has given us on this earth to overcome these obstacles. 

I’ve grown up in the church all of my life and I know that the church is full of people who are hurting and suffering and dealing with various difficult things.  Church is where you go to bring your cares to God.  Have you ever gone to church and seen someone crying out to God and you can just tell and feel that their cry is about something that is just devastating their life?  Like, you can tell its not just a cry of worship, but it’s a cry for help.  I’ve seen it all my life in church and often times I would see the same people come Sunday after Sunday crying out, probably about the same issues.  We have been taught as Christians that church is where you come to deal with the things that are going on in our life and in our minds, but that is just a part of the resolution.  I believe in God and I know that he can do anything, but I also know that sometimes God wants us to do the work in order to overcome, and that is where many Christians fall short.  We believe that everything will be solved solely by prayer, and God has made it clear that faith without works is dead.  Sometimes he requires you to do more, but when mental health is involved, we have been taught to pray and mostly keep it covered. 

Mental illness is hard from many people to understand because it’s something that you can’t see, sometimes it’s even difficult to describe so people often don’t get treatment.  They maybe will talk to their pastor about it, ask for prayer, and hope for the best.  But yall God has given us resources.  There are therapist, psychologist, psychiatrists, and doctors who are here to help with those issues.  I often try to describe it like this.  If you were having discomfort in your chest and you went to your doctor and he said, you are having heart issues.  He instructed you to take medication, work with a trainer weekly, and change your diet in order to life the life you desired would you do it?  Or would you just pray to God and talk to your pastor and hope that things change?  See it’s my belief that God answered your prayer by telling you what to do, but it’s up to you now to do it.  The same goes with mental health.  If the therapist says you are suffering from depression and that you need to take the meds prescribed by your doctor, see the therapist weekly, and change some of your habits if you want to live a better life, would you do it?  Sometimes the instructions you are given by professionals are the lifeline that God is sending you.  You just have to be willing to do the work. 

My husband reminded me of a joke he heard from a movie that says I man was stranded in the ocean and he was praying for God to save him.  A boat came by, it stopped and asked the man if he needed help.  The man said no, God will save me.  A short while later another boat came by and asked the man if he needed help, the man said no God will save me.  So the boat went on by it’s business.  Soon after the man drowned and died.  When he got to heaven he asked God “why didn’t you save me?”  God said I did!  I sent 2 boats to save you, dummy!  And that is often us.  We pray to God to save us from our thoughts and life issues and he is sending us resources to help us, but we aren’t taking them.  We just keep praying, and pleading, and asking for help, but we are not seeing the things he is sending our way.  He’s answering our prayers in the form of doctors, therapist, coaches, friends who care, messages, and we are just waving them by, hoping God will just magically cure whatever we are going through.  Now don’t get me wrong, God can do this if he wants to, but I know that sometimes he says that he requires more from us so we have to do it. 

Here recently, my daughter was pretty sick.  She was sick for a few months and I constantly prayed for God to heal her body.  And I knew that he would.  A part of God’s healing came from he sending us to the right doctors.  It came from having the right tests done.  It came from being prescribed the right medicine.  It required us to do our part to help her get better.  What kind of parents would we be if our daughter was sick and all we did was pray.  We never took her to the doctor, we never gave her meds, we just prayed.  That’s what many us of do with our mental wellness.  We just pray about it, when God is saying your healing from me can come through therapy.  It can come through medication.  It can come through that support group.  It can come through you being honest about what you are dealing with.  But often times, it is my belief that the enemy wants you to think that as a Christian you don’t need those things.  That you should be ashamed that as a Christian you think death would be easier than living.  That’s a trick of the enemy to cause you to think that you are alone.  That is why I do this podcast, so that you can see that the things you go through, the thought you have are not just exclusive to you.  You aren’t some anomaly.  Everyone deals with something.  I’ve never dealt with depression, but I’ve dealt with anxiety.  You may have never dealt with anxiety, but you have dealt with complicated grief.  Everyone has something whether it be doubt and fear or manic episodes where you feel out of control.  You aren’t alone, so don’t let your mind trick you into thinking that you are.

So as a Christian, how do you deal with mental health issues?  Well in addition to praying, going to church, and even talking to your pastor, there are many other ways to help keep your mental wellness in tact.  First up, there’s therapy.  Yall know how I feel about this.  I am a Christian and I am a therapist because I know that it works.  And I know that the work I do as a therapist is my God given gift.  Just like the work of a doctor to be able to do surgery on your heart is a God given gift, the ability to help you dissect what is going on in your mind and to help you change the narrative that you are having within yourself.  For some people in addition to therapy they may need medication.  Listen…medication is NOT THE DEVIL!  It baffles me how people are willing to take meds for diabetes, high blood pressure, birth control, and other things, but won’t take a medication that will help their mind.  Your thoughts are just as important as your physical body.  And in some cases therapy won’t be effective unless you are on medication to help stabilize you.  It’s not until a person is on the meds that they are able to have a logical conversation.  So we have to stop demonizing medication for mental health.  It’s important that you work with someone who you trust, someone who will inform you of what is going on, and someone who will listen to your concerns.  The best way to start this process with medication is to talk to your doctor first and go from there.  It is my opinion that every person who is taking medication for mental health reasons should be in therapy.  This is how you 1. Know the medication is working and 2. Work toward getting off of the medication, if that is an option. 

The next thing you can do is to read.  The Bible of course is a great book to read and you will even find books of the bible when people are going through things just like us that may help provide inspiration.  The stories of Job and David are examples of that.  There are also scriptures that you can read that will help you when you are going through difficulties.  In episode 32 Be Anxious For Nothing, I give you a few of my favorite scriptures to help combat anxiety.  You can come up with your own group of scriptures that help you deal with whatever you are going through.  In addition to the Bible I love to recommend books such as The Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Myers and Crash the Chatterbox by Pastor Steven Fertick.  These books help provide a spiritual perspective on the mind vs spirit and gives you tools to help overcome some of those issues as a Christian.

The last things that I want to mention that you can do is to share your story.  There are so many good things about being a Christian, but because we are humans, we have brought a few troubling habits into our community.  Secrecy, shame, and comparison are a few of those things.  Sometimes all it takes is for one person to openly say “I’m struggling” to open the flood gates of healing.  But far too often Christians keep quiet about their issues because they don’t want to be embarrassed.  They don’t want to feel shamed.  They don’t want their family to be compared to others.  Let’s be honest.  Comparison is rampet in the Christian community.  It happens every Sunday.  We compare outfits.  We compare cars in the parking lot.  We compare out children’s accomplishments to the next family’s children.  We compare church sizes.  This is a part of the reason why pastors feel depressed is because they are comparing their church to the next pastors church and it causes them to feel depressed when they feel they are failing or aren’t growing as fast as others.  This comparison stops many of us from being transparent.  It stops the healing process.  It keeps us from being connected with one another.  But if we would just be fearless enough to say “I was molested as a child and I’m still dealing with it” boy do you know how many people that would help heal?  Sharing is caring yall.  And after you share, make sure you care enough to recommend therapy and all the other resources mentioned here.

Yall, as Christians we are God’s chosen people and for now, we have to live in this world.  Living here brings it’s own challenges.  Trust God enough to acknowledge those issues and get help.  Ask God for guidance.  Ask him to send you to the right person for help.  Don’t just sit on this.  Don’t wait until it’s too much to bear.  And please know…this isn’t just for those who are dealing with severe issues.  This is for anyone who is having thoughts that are contrary to what God put in our spirit.  No issue is too small.  I have therapy clients who’s issue is simply that they aren’t confident in themselves.  Or who need to set more boundaries.  No issue is too small to overcome.  You were created by God to live a life of wonder, so don’t let negative thought (which I plan to do an entire episode on) stop you from your destiny.  Trust God, employ your faith, and put in the work to make sure your spirit and your mind are on one accord with God’s word.  Christians are not exempt from struggles, but because we have God on our side, we can overcome anything.  Just make sure you have the faith and that you put in the work.

 So I hope that you feel inspired to seek help for your mental health needs just like you would for your physical health.  To not allow shame and embarrassment to keep you from doing the work necessary to get better.  And to remember that faith without work is dead so pray and take the steps necessary to live a healthy life.  You are needed here.

So until next time, stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.   

057 Don't Settle

Guys where has the time gone!  We are halfway through September about to begin the new fiscal year.  This is the perfect time to look at what you’ve accomplished this year and get ready to set your goals for the coming year.  Now if you didn’t plan on doing this, setting goals that is, I have to ask why.  What is keeping you from going for it, from following your dreams, and from reaching your goals?  Well, for many, fear and anxiety take the lead when it’s time to move forward toward the unknown greatness ahead and I don’t want that to keep you stuck.  So, for today’s episode we are going to discuss how fear and anxiety can effect your dreams and I’ll give you practical tips to help you go from setting goals to achieving your goals and so I hope to inspire you to Don’t Settle.

So guys before we begin I just want to say thank you for all the love you showed last week on the anniversary episode!  I appreciate all of your support and a special congrats to the winners of the giveaway.  They have already been contacted and I can’t wait to work with them!  Also, I want to send a big thank you to my mom!  Last episode I gave a shout out to all the amazing women I’ve interviewed this year, and some how I forgot my absolute favorite interviewee and that was my mom!  So thank you mom for sharing your wisdom on parenting with us on the show and I love ya!

So, about those goals you have set for yourself…how’s it coming?  Are they still thoughts swirling around your head?  Have you written them down?  Have you spoken them out loud?  Have you put in some work towards them.  I sincerely hope your answer is yes, but if it’s no, that’s ok.  Today we are going to work toward making some things happen.  So, let’s start from the top.  What is your goal?  What’s that dream you’ve been thinking about for years now?  Go on, don’t be afraid to say it.  See I’ve learned that here is the first place that fear steps in.  Some of us are afraid to simply admit that we have this dream in our hearts.  We are afraid to write it down or even tell others about it because it seems too far fetched.  It seems too unrealistic to think that YOU can do that thing!  Well I’m here to ask, why not you?  Far too often we don’t go for it because it seems to big for us.  We feel inadequate.  It feels out of our league.  But with proper planning and work anything is possible.  You just have to be willing not to settle for less.  Settling is taking the easier route.  It’s taking the comfortable route.  Settling isn’t as scary.  But settling also often times leads to not being satisfied, to feelings of resentment, regret, and discontentment.  Don’t settle because you’re afraid to try, afraid to fail, afraid of what people will say and think, afraid of the challenges, afraid of the work load, afraid of the extra education, and so on.  Choose to go for it.  Choose to take one step and task at a time to work towards your dreams.  I mean those big, crazy, who do you think you are dreams!  Yall, some of the stuff I know I’ll accomplish one day have me thinking to myself I must be out of my mind!  Seriously, sometimes it seems so out of this world to think that you can get from there when you’re looking at where you are now.  But I’m telling you, you can do it.  The first step is to choose not to settle and to commit to moving forward toward your destiny.  Just yesterday I was watching the movie the Pursuit of Happiness with Will Smith and this whole movie is about believing and working toward your dream.  This man when through things that I couldn’t imagine just to reach his dreams.  People thought he was crazy and I’m sure sometimes he thought he was crazy for even trying, but he kept going, and it paid off, big time!  Listen, no risk, no reward.  This isn’t suppose to be easy.  People aren’t suppose to understand your vision (it’s yours, not theirs) so don’t get down when other’s discourage you.  You aren’t suppose to know everything!  Because if you knew everything, you wouldn’t need God, and He ain’t having that.  Dreams don’t have to stay dreams.  Too many people have gone to the grave and took their dreams with them.  I don’t want that to be me and I don’t want that to be you!  Don’t settle guys.  If you ask Chris Gardner, whom the movie the Pursuit of Happiness is about, if he regrets going through all of that stuff and if he wish he’d settled I’m sure he’d laugh at you.  Once you’re on the other side you’ll know it was worth it and today I’m here to help you get to that other side.

So I want you to repeat after me.  I (your name) will not settle for less.  I will put forth the effort to achieve my goals and live out my dreams.  I will win!

So, now that we are all on one accord and have agreed to work our goals, lets talk about how to get from dreaming to doing.  Let’s get practical.  You guys know I’m very solution focused and I don’t want you to just talk about your dreams, I want to you to be about it so we are going to discuss what to do to get to dream land.  And I have to give a big thank you to my husband who has helped me do most of the things I’m doing to share with you guys today.  I’m trying to convince him to come on board and be the COO of my company.  We’ll see if I can make that happen one day, lol.

So, If you haven’t already I want to you write down your goals or dreams.  Put them in a place that you can constantly go back to and remember what you are working for.  Now my first tip is to break it up.  I’ve learned that taking things one quarter at a time is a very functional way to work toward your overall goals.  It’s like eating the elephant one bite at a time.  You work one quarter at a time so that basically you don’t feel overwhelmed with everything.  It also is a great way to keep track of the progress you’ve make over the span of 90 days.  So for the coming quarter I want you to set your goals.  What do you need to achieve over the next 90 days that will contribute to your overall dream.  Take those 90 day goals and write them down.  Now another tip that goes right along with this is to make sure that your goals are things you can control.  I spoke about this last week.  Don’t make your goals things that are dependent on others in order for you to achieve.  For example, let’s say your dream is to own your own business and this quarter you are focusing on your social media marketing. Don’t say “I want to gain 1,000 followers this month.”  That goal is not something that you can control.  You can’t make 1,000 people follow you.  Instead, focus on what you can do.  Say “I will produce 5 informative post per week.”  Doing this will hopefully lead to an increase in your followers, but at the end of the quarter you’ll know if you reached your goal based on if you posted as often as you said you would or not.  This is how you keep your success in your hands, and not the hands of others.  So those are the first 2 tips, to take things quarter by quarter and to set goals that you can control.

My next tip is to prioritize.  Doing this will help you know what to spend your time on.  Unfortunately, everything can’t be of the same value when working toward a goal.  You can’t have 5 things on your list and consider them all to be number 1.  You have to prioritize and rank things from most important to least important…still realizing, that least important is STILL important.  The number one thing on your list needs to receive the most of your time and attention, followed by the number two item, and so on.  It is a big mistake not to prioritize and it can cause you to put too much on your plate because you’re trying to dedicate the same amount of energy to everything you want to do and that’s just not healthy or realistic.  Outside of goal setting, we have to prioritize in our everyday lives and when we don’t we find ourselves stretched too thin and on the verge of burnout because we didn’t pace ourselves.  This also helps us to not spend time doing stuff that doesn’t matter.  It’s easy to get distracted when working toward your dreams and often times the stuff that should matter the least ends up eating up the most of our time.  You have to be disciplined enough to set your priorities and stick with them.  At the end of each quarter you and can reevaluate and see what needs to change or stay the same for the next quarter.  But you must prioritize.

My next tip to help you reach your goals is to create of schedule.  This is probably the one that my husband gets on me the most about, because honestly, I hate the calendar.  It is a constant reminder of what needs to be done, and as much as I hate it, I need it.  It is necessary for me to get things done.  How else will you know what to do and when to do it.  The calendar is where you take your priorities and you map out how much time you will give to each.  What day will you work on this priority.  What is the deadline to have accomplished this goal.  When do you need to have this task completed so you can move on to the next.  Creating a schedule or a calendar gives you a clear visual of how you are achieving these goals.  You get to see day by day what you have done and what needs to be done.  You can create your own calendar or buy a planner.  Either way you must fill it with what matters.  And while you are filling it up don’t forget to put in what my husband calls “white space.”  These are spots on the calendar where you have nothing.  You do this so if you get behind you can catch up on a white space day or if you need a break, use your white space day.  So create your goals, determine the tasks that need to be completed in order to achieve those goals, prioritize them, then put them on the calendar. 

For there you should be working.  Day by day by day you are checking things off of your calendar.  Making progress that you can see and achieving goals that you can control.  At the end of each quarter you reevaluate.  You check and see what worked, what didn’t work, and what needs to be changed.  You implement those changes in the next quarter and you do it all over again.  This is what progress looks like.  This helps things not look so daunting so that you don’t end of quitting and settling for less. 

Guys even when you are doing this there will be times when fear and anxiety come to play.  You’ll get nervous that things aren’t going the way you’d hope and you may consider giving up.  Don’t!  Don’t quit prematurely.  Give it the full 90 days before you decide to make changes.  You notice I didn’t say wait 90 days before you quit because I don’t believe that you should give up that quickly.  But at least give it 90 days before you make any drastic changes.  Patience is important and fear and anxiety will play on the fact that many of us aren’t patient enough to wait things out.  While you’re working, I want you to keep saying to yourself…don’t settle.  Let that be one of the mantras that keeps you going until you achieve your goals.  I know you can do it.

So I hope that you feel inspired to dream big and commit to working toward your goals, to prioritize and create a schedule that will help you reach your goals, and to not let fear and anxiety keep you from your destiny.  Greatness is waiting, so please don’t settle. 

So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.

056 One Year Later: What I've Learned

We finally made it!!! Today’s episode marks 1 year since I took the leap and started this podcast, Inspiring Women Weekly.  Every single week for 1 year I have written, recorded, edited, and published an episode for you guys to hopefully be inspired by.  I have learned so much along the way, about myself, and especially about success.  In today’s episode I want to share with you the lessons I’ve learned through this year journey and I hope to inspire you to give it a try.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned throughout this journey is the importance of consistency!  I don’t believe that I’ve ever done something that I wasn’t required to do every week for one year.  Yall, I don’t get paid for this, I don’t get some big reward every week, I just do this because I want to.  And consistency has lead to so much growth in the audience.  People like consistency and when you’re consistent they feel like they can trust you.  If you want to be success, start with being consistent.  Now, don’t misunderstand me…there are several areas in my life that I need to work on being more consistent.  But this podcast has taught me that being consistent can lead to achieving those goals you’ve set.  To me, this is one of the hardest of success to me.  Most of us aren’t consistent, if we are honest, we start and stop stuff so much that we never get to see the fruits of our labor, because we don’t labor long enough.  It’s like planting a seed in the ground and after a week we stop watering it because we haven’t seen any results yet.  That’s not how it works.  It takes weeks, months, and even years to get to reap the harvest.  So don’t give up so soon.  Try to be consistent.  Create your schedule and stick to it.  Soon you’ll see that it is worth it. 

The next lesson is that Comparison kills!  Yall, comparison almost killed this podcast a few times.  There have been times when I’ve been caught up in the numbers and began to compare myself to others and it can be so discouraging that it has made me consider giving up a time or two.  Then I have to encourage myself and listen to my own advice and remember to put my blinders on and only compare myself with myself.  I’m my only competition.  Now, the numbers that I’m trying to beat are the numbers I had last week…no one else’s.  The tough part about comparison is that sometimes it really does start innocent.  It begins by doing some research on something and before you know it instead of getting information from the person, you’re comparing their stuff to yours.  I just want to remind you to focus on your goals and nobody else’s.  Like I’ve said plenty of times before…you don’t know what they’ve done to get where they are.  And don’t worry…if you are consistent, your time is coming! 

Now when I began to compare one of the lessons that kept me grounded was to Remember Why You Started.  This is key.  This brings things back into perspective.  I started this podcast because I wanted a platform where I could help women to see that they are not alone in the things that they go through and I wanted to provide some wisdom and knowledge to help them overcome the things they are going through on a day to day basis.  I know that I have so much to offer and a podcast was a great way to get my voice out there and to inspire others.  That’s why I started.  You must always remember why you started.  When things get hard, when things slow down, when you’re disappointed, when you’re frustrated, and when you’re just down right tired…remembering why you started will keep you going.  It’s knowing that you have a purpose and that others are depending on you to fulfill your purpose that will help you to keep pushing when you want to give up.  So always remember why you started because it will be what carries you on. 

My next lesson is to Focus On What You Can Control.  This is a lesson that I learned more recently, but it has been a game changer when it comes to setting goals for myself.  Often times when I’ve set goals for this podcast they include things like having x number of downloads or x number of reviews, and I’ve learned that setting goals on things that I cannot control is a set up for disappointment.  I cannot control how many people download this podcast.  I cannot control who chooses to go and leave a review, so I should not put my hope in that.  But what I can control is that I create quality content.  I can control that you guys will get an episode every Monday.  I can control how I choose to market this podcast.  Those are the things that I needed to focus on.  I never disappoint myself in those areas.  And I’ve learned that if I focus on my work…that they other stuff that I care about such as the numbers will work themselves out.  So I say to you that when you are creating goals for yourself or your business, make sure they are goals that you can truly contribute to.  Don’t put your success into the hands of other people.  That is a set up to be let down. 

And now, the last lesson that I had to learn over this year of podcasting is that I Am Enough.  This episode really connects with last week’s episode on confidence.  Go check it out if you haven’t listened yet, it’s really good.  I had to be confident enough in myself to know that I have everything I need in order to be successful.  I don’t need any fancy editing, I don’t need any controversial topics, I don’t even need any celebrity interviews.  I am enough.  My knowledge is enough.  My stories are enough.  My voice is enough to be successful.  This took me a while to become comfortable with.  There was a time during this journey that I began to do interviews and a part of that, aside from wanting to share these amazing women’s stories, was because I wasn’t sure that I was enough.  Before I go on let me say that I have enjoyed every single interview that I’ve don’t this year.  These women are amazing and they are some of my favorite episodes!  What they shared is priceless and I appreciate them being willing to share their stories with you guys.  Thank you to Bonita, Laquanda, Kamilah, Shiquita, and Jessica aka MahoganyCurls for being on the show this year.  I loved interviewing them, but there’s nothing like it being just me and the mic.  And doing the interviews was just an added layer of pressure that I didn’t need.  Trying to find the right person, making sure our schedules work, coming up with good questions, and even recording and editing with another person which can be a pain.  And then there was the flip side of it which was people emailing me about being on the show who had never listened to the show, who don’t even follow me, or anything.  I had to realize that I didn’t NEED to do this.  If I wanted to, that’s find, but I don’t need anyone else on this podcast.  I am enough.  So it’s been a while since I’ve done an interview and I have no clue when or if I will begin again, because I am 100% confident now that all I need is me and what’s in my brain and heart.  And the most amazing thing is that with just me, this podcast has grown so much in the last month and it felt like confirmation for me that all I need in this podcast life is me and God.  We good.    

So here we are, one year later and I’ve learned so much and I know that this next year will bring its own lessons to learn, and I can’t wait.  I hope that through listening to me that you give IT a try.  Whatever that IT is that you’ve been thinking about doing: starting school, starting a business, writing a blog or book, starting a podcast, changing jobs, going for a promotion, trying a new hobby, whatever that IT is that you’ve been wondering about I’m telling you to GIVE IT A TRY.  Take it from me.  Last year I was in your shoes, wondering if it will be worth it to do my IT.  And I’m hear to tell you, it’s absolutely worth, so get to work already.

So I hope that you feel inspired to take the leap toward your goals and dreams, to keep comparison at bay and focus on what you can control, and to remember that you are enough, so go ahead and give it a try.  So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.