There are certain things that are trendy right now. Let’s be honest, therapy is trendy at this moment, and I think that’s a great thing. Another thing that is trendy is the use of the term “toxic.” Toxic relationships, toxic childhood, toxic masculinity, and so on. But what does “toxic” truly mean and what does a toxic relationship really look like. So for today’s episode we are going to discuss these very questions, along with how to manage toxic relationships, and how to heal after you leave a toxic relationship and so I hope to inspire you to get rid of the toxins.
Toxic, toxic, toxic…it’s everywhere yall. I feel like it’s one of those things where ppl are using the word, but they don’t fully understand the extent of the word. You got folks calling other folks toxic and I’m not sure if they truly understand how strong of a word toxic is. So I want to make sure that my listeners are informed and knowledgeable so yall can go and school other people, lol. So let’s start with the basics: what does toxic mean? Simply put, toxic means poisonous. Well, what does poisonous mean? Poisonous means causing or capable of causing death or illness if taken into the body. It also means extremely unpleasant or malicious. So what does this word mean when we are using it to describe people and relationships? Toxic relationships is when a person in the relationship does things that are physically, emotionally, or mentally damaging to their partner. These relationships can be between partners or spouses, parent and child, it can be between friends, or even at work between co-workers or bosses and their employees.
So let’s talk about what a toxic relationship looks like in comparison to a healthy relationship. In healthy relationships there is mutual caring, respect, compassion, emotional support, and the relationship feels like a safe environment for both parties physically and emotionally. There is a shared desire to see each other happy and you work together to do things to help one another, not harm one another. On the flip side, toxic relationships are basically the opposite. There can be physical and verbal abuse. There is damage done to self esteem and it is plagued with insecurity, self-centeredness, and control. There is no mutual caring as one or both partners care mostly about themselves and their needs. Now in doing some research I found that there are several types of toxic relationships and if you find that any of these describe relationships that you are in, don’t fret because we will discuss who to deal with them and heal from them.
So there is the “Bad Temper” toxic partner. (And when I say partner I don’t only mean spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend, I mean friend, family member, parent, co-worker, etc.) This is the partner who has you walking around on egg shells because they have a hair trigger temper. Your relationship is based on fear because you never know when things will pop off with that person. There is the “Guilt-Inducing” toxic partner This person does things and encourages you to feel guilty anytime you do something they don’t like. And they use the mechanism of control to get their way and to keep control in the relationship. I see this issue a lot with spouses and with parent and adult children relationships. Then there is “The User” toxic partner. This type of person normally sneaks up on you as things seem normal in the beginning. But slowly and surely you’ll start to see that it’s all about them and them getting their needs met. The biggest issue with the user is that you can never do enough and it will drain you trying to keep up. And as soon as you say no, it’s a big issue and you’re a horrible partner or friend. It’s like that Beyonce song: “The first time I said no, it’s like I never said yes.” And last but not least there is the “Possessive (often paranoid) Toxic Controller.” This is your potentially abusive partner. This is when that cute “jealousy” turns into control and possessiveness and before you know it you’re being accused of everything under the sun. This type of toxic relationship is bad news and can be dangerous. So those are just a few types of toxic relationships that are out there. If you are in an abusive relationship, please work out a safety plan immediately. Please seek help and leave. If you need help you can call the domestic violence 24 hour hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or you can visit their website at thehotline.org and chat with someone to get some help.
So now that we’ve defined and discussed the symptoms and patterns of these types of relationships lets talk about what we can do about them. So, here’s the thing about toxic people. YOU CAN’T CHANGE THEM. This is very tough for many people to understand as they spend years and years trying to change people, thinking that maybe if I don’t dress this way he won’t be jealous, or maybe if I keep my opinion to myself they won’t get mad so easily, or maybe if I say yes to everything I ask they won’t guilt trip me. You can jump through every hoop, but a toxic person will find a reason to be mad, disappointed, jealous, to guilt trip you and whatever else they do. It’s them! Not you! So the sooner you understand that, the sooner you can begin to focus on what does matter, and that is your behavior. You can’t control their behavior, but you can control yours, which in turn, may spark change in them. The best way to create change is to set what? Boundaries!! Old Boundaries to the rescue once again. It is going to be important that you first have a discussion with the toxic partner about their behavior. Believe it or not, they may not know that they are toxic. For some people, this is all they know. This behavior is normal to them, so you may need to have a conversation about how their behavior is effecting your relationship and the changes that need to be made in order for things to keep going. Now, remember I’m not talking about abusive relationships. But in the other forms of toxic relationships you can have the conversation with them and even let them know how things are going to change on your end. If you have a friend who is a user you may need to have a conversation about their behavior and then let them know that you won’t be doing those things for them anymore on a regular basis. That is your new boundary. Once it’s set either they will get with it or not. But it is up to you to uphold your boundary. Setting boundaries require you to be bold with what you will and will not tolerate anymore from that person and you have to be ok with them saying, nah, this doesn’t work for me and ending the relationship. If they continue to disrespect your boundary, then you now have to make a choice to end the relationship or in the case of family distance yourself until they get themselves together. It’s tough, but it’s possible and often times it’s necessary. This is one of the most prominent issues I work with women with in therapy and I’ve seen how setting boundaries can change relationships for the better or end a toxic relationship all together.
So now that you’re out of that toxic relationship and you’ve moved on physically, how do you heal? A lot of mental damage can be done in a toxic relationship. Self-esteem can be broken down. Confidence can be crushed. Identity can be lost. And people can leave as a shell of their once vibrant and happy selves. But thankfully, it doesn’t have to stay that way. The first way to heal after a toxic relationship is time. Give yourself time to work on yourself. There is nothing worse than getting out of a toxic relationship and shortly after you jump into another relationship. Often times some of those same issues will show up if you don’t give yourself time. The next thing you can do to heal is to attend therapy. This is where you can go to rebuild. Therapist are there to help you regain your peace, to learn from those past mistakes, to put boundaries in place so that this doesn’t happen again, and to help you become the person you truly want to be. If you’re looking for a therapist to help you with this issue visit my website at www.mclaurinmentalwellness.com. The next thing you can do to help heal is to implement self care. Self-care requires you to focus on you and often times while in toxic relationships you forget about yourself and everything becomes about the other person. Practicing some self care will help you to remember that you are important and that you need to be taken care of. Knowing your importance and worth will also help you keep toxic relationships at bay in the future. And the last thing I want to mention to help you heal from a toxic relationship is for you to remember that your past doesn’t have to be your present and future. Let got of the guilt, the shame, the embarrassment of what you went through. What happened before does not have to happen anymore. There have been some many amazing people who have gotten out of abusive and toxic relationships and have gone on to learn from those experiences, took the time to heal, and they are now thriving in their relationships. You can overcome and most importantly can live the life you desire after a toxic relationship.
So I hope that you feel inspired to evaluate your relationships and assess if they are toxic or not. To set the proper boundaries in your relationships to ensure you are treated properly, and to take the steps necessary to heal after a toxic relationship. Remember your past doesn’t have to dictate your future.
So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.