055 Where's Your Confidence??

Confidence is key!  How many times have you heard that quote?  Probably too many times to count, but nonetheless, it’s true!  A major key to success is confidence in yourself, in your skills, and your abilities.  So what happens to your level of success is you don’t have confidence…well that makes things a little bit harder to achieve.  Self confidence is at an all time low and it is preventing many of you from achieving your goals, facing your fears, and reaching the success you’ve dreamed of in your mind.  So for today’s episode we are going to discuss confidence, why you may not have it right now, and how to get it back, and so I hope to inspire you to Believe.

Believe and you can achieve…sounds simple right…not really.  Having confidence in yourself can be one of the hardest things to do and one of the biggest barriers to overcome.  How many times have you given up, quit, never started, started over, felt discouraged, or doubted yourself all because you lacked the confidence you needed to get started or continue working toward something that was important to you?  So many of you are sitting on ideas that can change your life and the lives of others, but you won’t move on it because you aren’t confident.  You don’t believe you can.  You don’t believe you’re smart enough.  You don’t believe you’re popular enough.  You don’t believe you’re good enough.  You don’t believe in you.  This non-belief is enough to paralyze a person with negative thoughts about themselves and keep you stuck in the same place, wondering what if.  But I’m hear to help you become more confident, because I want you to be successful.  If a lack of confidence is the only thing keeping you from being who you were created to be then this episode is just for you!

So let’s talk about why your confidence may be low and most importantly how to get it back and be more confident.  The first reason you may have low confidence is because of past failures.  This is for the folks who’s confidence has degraded over time.  You started strong…but after a few failures, a few set backs, a few times when things didn’t go as planned, a few times of not reaching the goal you set, a few times of being disappointed…you’re now lacking confidence in yourself.  There’s nothing worse than working hard toward something only to come up short.  It can make you reconsider everything you thought about yourself and your abilities.  But I want you to understand, no, I need you to understand that failure is a necessary part of life!  It should be embraced.  To me, failure is a practice run for success.  Even if you fail, still be confident in yourself.  Now I know that’s hard to do, but let me give you an example of people who do this all the time and that is: athletes.  Right now my tv has been fixed on tennis.  The US Open is going on and I absolutely love watching tennis.  Athletes amaze me because besides having this amazing physical ability, they have an even more amazing mental ability.  To come back game after game, year after year of facing losses and to keep your confidence up amazes me.  There are women playing like Taylor Townsend who has tried to the last 5 years to make it out of the first round and has failed to do so every time, but she never gave up and this year she has made it to the 4th round!  There’s the GOAT Serena Williams who lost in the finals last year to Naomi Osaka and yet, here she is again, trying her best to go as far as she can.  There is the young phenom CoCo Gauff who lost of Naomi Osaka on Saturday in an emotional match, but she didn’t lose confidence in herself and the very next day she went on the win her doubles match.  How is it that these people can fail over and over again, feel sad and hurt, but still have enough confidence to keep coming back?  Well what I’ve heard them say over and over again after they lose is that they look at the moment as a learning experience, and because of it they will become better.  That is the difference between failing backwards and failing forward.  You can let your failures propel you forward and increase your confidence because you now have another experience under your belt to learn from.  It’s all about changing your thoughts and perspectives on failure.  Failure is not a bad thing.  Learn from it, grow from it, and become even more confident that you’ll do better and be better the next time.  So don’t let failure be a confidence killer, let it be a confidence grower.

The next reason why your confidence may be low is because of past experiences such as your upbringing, toxic relationships, bullying, and trauma.  Where as your failure may be something that happened recently, these past experiences are things that happened years ago, maybe even when you were a child, and you haven’t recovered from them yet.  Let’s be honest, some of you were never given a chance to be confident.  From childhood your parents didn’t instill confidence in you, in fact it was the exact opposite.  Some of you have been told negative things about yourself since you were a kid and you are still trying to undo those hurtful things today.  Some of you were in a toxic relationship for years that just wiped out your confidence.  And some of you had your confidence taken by a traumatic event.  As much as we like to think we can outgrow things that happen to use years ago, it’s not quite that easy.  These memories don’t just fade away.  Overcoming this is something that takes time and work.  So one thing that I’ve seen happen to some individuals who have been hurt as children and they aren’t healed from it is that they project a pseudo confidence.  It’s not real confidence, but it looks real.  Most of the time it comes off very strong and abrasive because they are trying to cover up for their insecurities.  They overcompensate their confidence by being mean, rude, degrading towards others, and prideful…all because they don’t know what true confidence looks like.  True confidence doesn’t hurt others.  It doesn’t put other’s down.  So if you’ve suffered some difficult things as a child or in the past that has taken a toll on your confidence and you want it back here’s what you need to do.  You need to heal.  Healing may look like forgiving others.  It may need therapy.  It may mean reaching out to those who hurt you and having those difficult conversations.  It may mean ending some relationships.  It may mean taking time to get to know yourself.  It may mean talking to that little girl inside of you that still believes those negative things she was told when she was little.   Whatever it takes, you have to heal.  Once the healing begins, then the real confidence can begin to increase.  And if you need help with this just visit my website.  A link to it will be in the description.

The next reason why you may lack confidence is…comparison!  Yall should of know this would show up on the list.  In this day and time, this may contribute the most to low confidence and self esteem.  It has never been more easy to compare yourself.  Back in the day you could only compare yourself to the kids in your class and neighborhood.  Now, it can compare yourself to millions of people…that you don’t even know!  How crazy is harmful is that?  Many of you had plenty of confidence in your idea, your business, your hobby, and your talent until you started looking online at what other people were doing.  Once that happened, your confidence fell through the floor.  You began to believe that what you wanted to do didn’t compare or couldn’t compete with what other’s were doing.  I’ve fallen into this thought trap before.  The thought that hers is better than mine so I ought to just sit mine on the shelf.  Social media can be a confidence drainer, if we let it.  And I say if you let it because it is a choice.  You have to realize that there is no need to compare.  There is enough room for everyone to succeed, including you!  Just like there is more than one brand of bread, more than one brand of clothing to buy, more than one doctor to go to, there can be more than one of whatever you are doing.  So that’s the first part of beating comparison is the know that there is room for you.  Now the second part to this is for those who think they can’t compete.  Your confidence is shot because you think they are better than you, and my suggestion to you is to LEVEL UP!  Make it so that you have no doubt about your greatness.  Learn as much as you can.  Train as much as you can.  Gain as much knowledge that you can about whatever it is that you want to do.  This is a major confidence booster.  When you do this, you know, that you know, that you KNOW that you are great and that you can succeed, no matter who you are competing against.  So stop the comparing, and get to working and learning.

The last reason that your confidence may be low is that you are putting ALL of your confidence in yourself.  Now I know some of you are like huh?  I thought I was suppose to have confidence in myself.  Why yes, you are, but that’s only part of it.  I want you to have confidence in you…but it’s even more important that you have confidence in the only who lives in you!  If you only have confidence in your abilities, you will always come up short.  Fear will always find a way to creep in.  But when you put your confidence in the God that lives in you…you become unstoppable.  Last week I was writing my prayer one morning and I asked God to increase my confidence.  There were some things that I was sitting on and I knew it was because I lacked confidence in myself.  I went to church that same day and the message was a remember to put your confidence in God.  Philippians 4:13 says “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  It doesn’t say I can do all things because I’m me.  It says I can do all things through Christ.  You have to be confident that if God gave you the idea, the gift, the talent, and the opportunity, that HE will see you to the end.  Anytime I get nervous about doing something I hear God saying to me “do the work and I’ll do the rest.”  He’s basically saying do what I told you to do and have confidence that I’ll open whatever door needs to be open.  I’ll put you where you need to be.  I’ll bring the clients.  I’ll provide the listeners.  I’ll give you the resources.  Just do what I told you to do and have confidence in me!  Alone we are not enough, but we God all things are possible.  Knowing he’s on your side is the ultimate confidence booster.  So put some scriptures in your spirit that remind you of who’s you are.  Remind yourself of His plans for your life.  Remind yourself of what he can do and put your confidence in the person who is control of everything.

So that’s it guys.  That’s my take on why you may not have confidence and how to get it back.  So I hope that you feel inspired to let failure grow your confidence and propel you toward success. To heal from past negative experiences that have kept your confidence bound, and to remember where your help comes from.  With Him, your confidence will remain secure.

So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.

054 Cherish Life: How to Be Content

We are in the last month of August and I don’t know about you but it feels like it flew by.  Well, maybe it flew by for you because you were rushing it by.  I know I’ve been guilty of pressuring time to move faster and I’m sure I’m not alone in that.  We have a habit of rushing life and impatiently waiting for time to move on to the next phase or season.  When Monday comes we’re ready for Friday.  When Winter comes we’re waiting for Spring.  When we start something new, we’re ready for it be done with already.  We are constantly pushing life to zoom past the seasons in life that we aren’t too thrilled about, which can cause of to miss out on a lot of great opportunities and moments.  So for today’s episode we are going to discuss contentment and how to be satisfied with your life today and I hope to inspire you to cherish life.

 Ah…the big “C” word…contentment.  This word scares a lot of people when they hear it.  The word contentment has a bad wrap in my opinion.  Most of us hear it and think that if we are content that we are just fine with staying in the same place forever.  And that’s just not what contentment means.  To be content simply means you are in a state of happiness and satisfaction.  It doesn’t mean that you stop working on your goals.  It doesn’t mean that you are going to stop moving forward.  It simply means that where you are right now, you are happy and satisfied with what you are doing.  That doesn’t mean that things are perfect either.  But far too often we are in phases of life that are full of happy moments and great opportunities, but because it isn’t our end goal or because it isn’t perfect, or because it doesn’t produce the money we want, or because it isn’t our dream, we are rushing and pleading for time to speed by this point in our lives.  I get it.  I’ve done it.  There are times when I catch myself still doing it.  But if you can, you have to try and slow down.  There is so much greatness that you are missing by spending your days dreaming of the future and waiting for time to pass.

I remember when my children were first born.  As most of you moms know, the first several months of parenthood are tough.  There isn’t much sleep, you don’t know if you’re coming or going, you’re adjusting to life revolving around another person.  And for many of us we can’t wait for that time to pass.  When they’re newborns, we can’t wait for them sleep through the night and start crawling.  When they crawl, we can’t wait for them to walk and use the potty (so we can stop changing diapers).  When they walk we can’t wait for them to become more independent and feed themselves and so on.  And before you know it you’re walking them into their first day of school and you’re confused.  Where did the time go?  Why is time going so fast?  How did we get here?  They were just born, I still remember the labor pains.  Oh how I wish I could just hold them all day and rock them…but time has moved on.  See sometimes we don’t cherish the moments until they’re gone.  I look at my kids while they’re asleep sometimes and I just say a quick prayer and ask God to slow down.  It feels like everytime I blink they are a year older.  And sometimes life happens that way because we aren’t enjoying the moments.  Yes, those newborn days are tough, but enjoy them!  Enjoy being about to hold them and carry them around.  One day they’ll be too big to do so.  Motherhood is just one example of how life moves so fast, if we don’t pay attention.  We do this in relationships and marriages, in our careers, with our families, and in school (lord knows I didn’t cherish my college years like I should have, life was so simple then).  Think back to when you were a kid or especially a teenager…how many times did you say or think “I can’t wait to be grown and have my own stuff.”  And looking back…boyyyy I had no idea how much work adulting would be.  So some of those great times as a kid and a teenager were spent rushing life.  Waiting to get older.  Only to get older and dream about being a kid again sometimes.  We all do this from time to time.  We grow impatient with where we are in life and hope and pray for this phase to end soon.  But I’m here to let you know that there is beauty in these phases of life and I’m going to give you a few tips to help you cherish life just a little bit more.

So my first tip is to Be Present (aka put your phone down).  Life is passing us by.  No literally…we are sitting on our phones while life keeps moving around us, whether we are aware or not.  Have you ever been somewhere and you were on your phone and you just happen to look up and you see that sooo much is happening around you that you aren’t aware of?  I’ve definitely done that a few times.  I remember being outside with my kids and they were playing and I was engulfed in my phone and I decided to take a minute to look up and in that moment I saw just how beautiful they were running around carefree.  I really heard their laughter.  I saw their smiles as they played together.  And I realized that in a few years life won’t look quite like this again.  They’ll grow and things will be a little different.  And I put my phone down to really take in that moment.  So now I try to be more conscious and I encourage you to do the same thing.  I see this a lot with parents and their kids where the parents are on their device and not paying the kids any attention (and sometimes they both are on devices) and I see this with couples.  I don’t know how many times my husband and I have gone out to dinner and look around and all the couples are on their phones.  No one is engaging each other.  Nobodies’ holding hands or gazing into each other’s eyes.  Everyone is doing their own thing.  We aren’t present.  And ask yourself this…even if you aren’t on your phone, how many times have you been one place and your mind was in a totally different zone.  Where are all my daydreamers at?  That’s me.  Always thinking about the future.  Now hear me, I’m not telling you to stop being forward thinking or to stop planning for the future.  I’m just telling you that you can’t let that consume your life.  If you do you won’t live today.  You’ll always be waiting for tomorrow.  So be present in the moment and pick a time to think about other things that are important to you.

My next tip is to practice gratefulness.  Sheesh…I know yall are tired of me talking about gratitude, but I ain’t gon stop so there, lol.  It’s for a reason.  Gratitude sparks so much happiness and satisfaction in our lives.  Sometimes we are so blinded by what’s going wrong, what’s difficult, what’s uncomfortable, and what’s not going perfectly, that we can’t see the forest for the trees.  We can’t pull out what is going right in our lives, so I say become intentional.  Every night I write a list of things I’m grateful for.  Of course the list includes life, health, a sound mind, and things like that, but by being present more I’ve been about to be thankful for little things that have a big impact like hearing birds chirping, and watching the sun set, and having a moment to watch my favorite tv show, or hearing my daughter and son sing a song together.  I’m grateful for you guys listening to my podcast, and I’m thankful everyday that I get to help another client.  Little stuff that we normally disregard as regular things but when we pay attention to it we realize that these things make our days worthwhile.  So I know your job may not be the best, but what little thing happened today that made it a good day.  Maybe you got to talk to a friend for a few minutes at work.  Maybe traffic wasn’t that bad.  Maybe a butterfly sat beside you while you were eating lunch outside.  I know that sounds so cheesy but when you come to appreciate those little things life really opens up to you.  So be grateful.  Write it down.  Make a list every night of what you’re thankful for.  Reflect over your day, not just thinking about what didn’t get done or what could have gone better, but think about what went right.  Because whether you believe it or not, there is so much going right in your life.  You just have to be willing to see it.

Tip number 3 is to use your time wisely.  Whatever season that you are in there is something to enjoy…the question is are you putting in the time to enjoy it.  If you have small kids use your time to play with them.  Believe you me…there will be a time when they won’t want to play.  They’ll just want to sit in the room and play video games.  So make the time to do arts and crafts, to run around outside, to have tickle fights and movie nights.  Enjoy this season.  If you have a teenager.  Enjoy this time.  Do things with them because soon they’ll be out of your house and you’ll be wondering where did the time go.  To my single ladies…enjoy this time and use your time wisely.  Don’t spend it looking for a man and waiting for your Boaz.  Go on vacations, go on girl trips.  See the world.  Spend time dating yourself and getting to know yourself.  Cherish this time, because as soon as you get a boo or get married you now have to consider someone else before you make decisions like this.  To my married folks without kids…ENJOY THIS TIME!  Life is never the same once kids come into play.  Have fun, take trips, be romantic, enjoy the freedom.  Even on your job.  Enjoy the time at this level and learn as much as you can because with promotions comes more responsibilities.  With more money comes more bills, lol.  If you’re young, take advantage of your youth.  Work out, treat your body right because the older you get the more difficult this becomes to do.  Don’t waste this time.  Use it wisely.  Make the best of whatever season you’re in.  Sooner or later life will change and you won’t be able to do those things anymore. 

My last tip is to pray for patience.  I know that sometimes cherishing life isn’t easy.  I’m sure some of you are listening to this and you’re going through something really tough, difficult, or unimaginable and you’re like you want ME to cherish THIS?  And the hard answer is yes.  Because there still is some beauty in your struggle.  Many of us just aren’t patient enough to find out of see it.  If you read the Bible, everytime God talks about blessings and hope and your future he also mentions patience.  It’s hard to cherish life if you’re always upset about where you are in life.  That’s what patience is: being able to tolerate the trouble or difficulty without being upset.  If you are struggling this this do all the things I mentioned above but also talk to the Father and let him know about your struggle.  Let him know that you are struggling with this, but most importantly let him know that you want to be more present, that you want to be more grateful, that you want to enjoy your time.  Each morning I pray that God will open my eyes to his beauty every day.  I ask that he help me to see what is going on around me.  I ask that he makes me disciplined enough to use my time wisely.  I ask also that he uses me to shine a light on his goodness.  So when you pray, ask for patience and that will be the start to cherishing your life each day.

So those are my tips on cherishing life and feeling content.  Remember contentment is not a bad thing.  Every season in life is important and I hope that you take the time to realize it and to enjoy it.

So I hope that you feel inspired to be present in each moment in your life realizing that they all are precious.  To enjoy the time you have in this season and to use that time wisely.  And to remember to cherish this life…it’s the only one you have, so enjoy it.  So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.

053 Let It Go! The Power of Forgiveness

I have a question for you.  When is the last time someone hurt your feelings, broke your heart, betrayed you, or just outright disrespected you?  I hope none of this stuff has happened to you recently.  But here’s an even better question…have you forgiven them?  Hmmm…didn’t see that coming, huh?  Well today we are going to talk about it.  No, not the heart break or the betrayal, but the forgiveness piece of it.  There are too many people walking around resentful, bitter, and hurt by things that other people have done and it is currently effecting their relationships, mood, and decisions.  So, on today’s episode we are going to discuss a few things I think you need to know about forgiveness and I hope to inspire you to Let It Go.

Ok, so let’s que Elsa…”Let it goooo.  Let it goooooo.”  If your daughter or niece or little sister hasn’t sung that song before you don’t know what you’re missing, lol.  Shoutout to my niece Brielle who was obsessed with Frozen for what seemed like forever, lol.  Anywho, are there a few things you haven’t let go of yet?  Be honest with yourself.  No need to be embarrassed if the answer is yes because you’re like most people.  Forgiving is a very difficult thing for many of us to do.  The Bible talks a lot about forgiveness and Imma be honest…it makes it sound like forgiving is an easy thing to do.  But how do you let go of something that has really hurt you?  It can be tough, but you deserve to give yourself the freedom of forgiveness. 

So what is it for you?  Are you still holding resentment toward your parents about something that happened when you were younger?  Still bitter about how that past relationship ended?  Still mad at your friend for betraying your trust?  Maybe you haven’t forgiven yourself for that mistake you made years ago?  Whatever the case may be these moments in time and situations can impact you forever, if you let it.  Some of you still don’t trust people because of what happened 5 years ago, talking about I don’t like to hang out with girls, knowing good and well that you’re lonely.  All because of a broken friendship.  Some of you keep ending up in bad relationships or won’t enter into a relationship because of that one guy that broke your heart.  Other’s of you are walking around moody and mentally unstable because you haven’t gotten past how you were treated or picked on as a kid.  Don’t misunderstand me guys…I KNOW these things hurt!  I know they suck.  I know they are tough to deal with.  But for your sake, you have to get to a place where you have forgiven the person so that you can move on with your life. 

Before we get to how to forgive and some ways to help you forgive, let me ask you this: have you truly acknowledged your hurt?  Have you cried, screamed, have you admitted that you’ve been hurt?  See, many people walk around with resentment and bitterness because they haven’t even admitted that someone hurt their feelings.  They haven’t admitted that the way they were treated has truly impacted them.  Some of you are mad at your momma, friend, sister, because they hurt you and they aren’t even aware that you’re hurt.  See often times we just expect people to know what they did and how it effected you, but that’s not always the case.  If possible, have you sat down with yourself and with them to talk about what happened and how you feel?  This is something I recommend you do if you can.  Keep in mind that this may not always be a healthy option.  Some situations will require you to heal without the other person and we are going to talk about that a little more as well.

So let me give you a few things to consider when it comes to forgiveness and hurt.  The first thing I want you to try is to be empathetic and understanding.  Now I know you’re like “what!??!”  You want me to be understanding and empathetic toward the person who hurt me??!  Are you crazy?  Well, hear me out.  This is important especially when it comes to family.  Hurt people, hurt people.  Sometimes you have to realize that the person who hurt you was only doing what they know how to do.  I see this often when working with my counseling clients who are upset with their parents and the way they treated them growing up.  I always ask them…how was your mom raised?  And the response is usually not good and I have to explain to them that sometimes people are doing what they are taught to do.  Now it still hurts, but having that understanding can help you to see that you weren’t the issue, they are.  Once you understand this you can go from being angry at the person to praying for that person because you know they have issues that they need to deal with.  So try to gain some understanding of what the person who hurt you is dealing with.  It can make a world of a difference and make it easier to forgive them.

The next thing that I want you to know about forgiveness is that just because you forgive doesn’t mean you have to forget.  Now I ain’t no fool and yall aren’t fools either!  I’m talking about forgiveness, but I don’t want you to forget the lesson you learned from what you went through.  For some, what you learned is that you don’t need to have a relationship with that person anymore.  Forgiveness doesn’t require you to continue things the way it is.  It just means that you are no longer carrying around the negative emotions with you.  So forgive that old friend, but that doesn’t mean yall have to still hang out.  You can forgive your parents, but that doesn’t mean that things have to continue the way they are, you can set those boundaries.  Forgive that ex-boyfriends, but that does NOT mean you have to take him back.  Keep it moving, lol.  So forgive, but you don’t always need to forget.

Now let’s dive a little deeper why don’t we.  How do you forgive yourself?  How do you let go of the guilt you feel about something you did or a mistake you made.  I believe that the biggest thing you need to know in order to forgive yourself is that nobody’s perfect.  That’s why we can’t stay mad at folks because we’ve messed up too.  You have to remember that whatever you did is forgivable by God and because of that forgiveness you have the right to forgive yourself.  Be honest about how you feel and remember that you are human too.  We all fall short, so forgive yourself.  But it might be hard to forgive yourself if you can’t forgive other people so that’s why we need to work on that too.

So I’ve been asked, how do you forgive someone who won’t apologize?  How do you let that go?  Well, letting something go is a mental choice you make.  Literally, you make up in your mind that you will no longer carry resentment, bitterness, and vengeance toward a person.  That’s what forgiveness is.  It’s a conscious choice.  And sometimes, if the hurt is really deep, you have to make that conscious choice every, single, day!  When those negative thoughts come up, you repeat to yourself that you are no longer bound by someone else’s actions.  In therapy I help people change their mental narrative so that they can move forward.  You can journal and write down your feelings and remind yourself of who is in control.  You are in control of your emotions, not them.  It’s up to you. You have to remember that forgiveness is for you!  Not the other person.  Don’t allow your entire life, your decisions, your behavior, your mood to be impacted by what someone else has done.  That’s giving them way too much power.  Make the choice daily yall.  You may not feel the change over night because it’s a process, but it’s a process that is worth going through. 

So that’s it guys, that’s my take on forgiveness in a nutshell.  I know that this is a serious and difficult issue for many of you which is why I wanted to address it.  I don’t want you to be a slave to someone else’s behavior.  You deserve to be free.  You deserve to be happy.  You deserve to live a full life, regardless of the mistakes other people have made.  So choose forgiveness and get on with living.

So I hope that you feel inspired to gain some understanding of those who’ve hurt you, to forgive yourself while remembering that nobody’s perfect, and to change the narrative in your head from one of resentment to freedom.  So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.

052 Put God First

So yall it’s been a long summer and I’ve recently been working to refresh my body, mind, and my spirit.  I’ve started walking, I’ve been reading more, and recently, to refresh my spiritual life I started reading a Bible plan called “It’s Time to Reset: A 7 Day Devotional.” And day two of the devotional talked about putting God first and the importance of making him first in your life.  And that got me to thinking.  What does putting God first actually look like?  Put God first is something I’ve heard most of my life, but what does that look like on a day to day basis?  Well I did some research and I figured if I was wondering about this, maybe you guys need to know this as well.  So in today’s episode I’m going to share with you a few practical ways you can put God first and I hope to inspire you to Put God First.

 So guys every now and then you just need to refresh and reset and that’s exactly what I needed when I began reading this devotional.  I had just had a long month of moving across country, my kids starting school, having a new schedule, and a lot of transitions so now that things are finally settling in, I needed to shift my focus back to where it should always be which is on God.  I decided to do some research on ways to put God first because, well, we hear it at church all the time, but often times we aren’t given direction on how to do that.  It’s like telling a person to go back a cake without giving them much direction on what steps to take, and if you’re like me and you’re better at eating cake than baking it, you really do need those directions! Lol.  

Now before I get into how to put God first…I’m sure some of you may be wondering…why?  Why do I need to put God first?  What’s the big deal?  Well, I don’t know if you live in the same world that I live in, but if you do, you’ll quickly see that things are kinda crazy.  There are so many influences around us, both good and bad.  Our minds can get so clouded by the news and social media.  And then there are things we deal with in our daily lives such as family and work.  For me, putting God first means that I won’t be distracted.  I won’t be confused.  I won’t be unsure about what I should be doing and where I should be going.  Putting God first means that I keep my eyes on him, I keep praise and gratitude in my heart regardless of what is going on in the world.  But putting God first I’m able to hear from him what path I should take instead of being influenced by what’s around me.  By putting God first I will have peace, even when things are difficult.  You have to remind yourself of all you have to gain by putting God first…and then you have to execute it. 

 So let’s dive into it.  Here are a few of my favorite ways to put God first in your life. 

Number 1:  Start your day with God.  Matthew 6:33 says “But seek first the kingdom of God, above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”  So let me ask…what’s the first thing you do in the morning?  Go to the bathroom?  Grab you phone and stroll social media?  Its snooze and pull the covers over your head?  Maybe even groan about how you don’t want to get up?  I’ve done all of those things, lol, but there’s nothing like starting your day with God.  Start your day with prayer.  Get up, you can sit on the side of your bed, or get on your knees, or go into a special area and spend some time with God.  Starting your day with him invites him into your day.  Think of it this way.  The first thing you do is the most important thing that you do.  So please don’t tell me that social media means more to you than your relationship with God.  So let’s work on waking up with God on our minds and gratitude in our hearts.  This sets the tone for everything else. 

 Now number 2 goes directly with number one and that is to journal.  You can journal about what’s on your mind, you can journal about what you’re thankful for, or you can even write down your prayers, which I highly recommend.  I call them love letters to God.  I recommend journaling because have you ever been praying and get distracted because you started thinking about what you were gonna eat later then you had to start over again?  Oh it’s just me, huh? I hate to admit it but, I can get distracted while talking to Jesus.  I’ve fallen asleep in the middle of my prayer before…don’t judge me ok.  But journaling your prayer makes you take your time, it makes you focus, it requires you be intentional with your words.  Also, writing my prayers helped me to see, maybe I need to change this up.  Everyday I’m saying the same ol stuff…I’m sure God is tired of hearing you ask for the same thing over and over…and journaling helps me focus on gratitude and it helps me stay consistent.

 Number 3 is to spend time in God’s word.  Now this can come in many forms.  You can sit and read the Bible and even commit to learning a new Bible verse every week which is something I’m going to start trying to do.  Write down your verse of the week and put it on the fridge, your mirrors, and wherever else you think you need to.  You can read a book on spirituality.  There are so many devotionals out there that explain God’s word and breaks it down even more.  Another way to stay in his word is to listen to sermons.  It’s never been easier to hear a message than it is now.  You don’t have to go to church (even thought I recommend you do) in order to hear to message.  You can go on Youtube, listen to a podcast, or even turn on the radio and there it is.  Some of my favorites are Elevation Church and Transformation Church.  If you need something a little shorter there’s also Joel Osteen.  There are so many to choose from.  So spend some time in the word is number 3.

 Number 4 is let your light shine.  Guys it means nothing to have all this Jesus inside of us if we never pour it out, if we never share it, if we never help anyone.  It means nothing if we never share the love of Christ with others.  Don’t hoard your faith.  Share it.  Find ways to help others and to give.  Ask God to make it clear to you what you should do, how you should help, where you should volunteer.  Take what God has given you and find ways throughout your week to share it and give it to others. 

 Number 5 is the end your day with God.  So we are going end your day the say you started it, by spending time with Him.  Pray and thank Him for your day…regardless of how good or bad you thought it was.  Say some positive affirmations that will lead you into the next day.  One thing I used to do was read those “Daily Bread” devotionals every night.  They are short but effective.  There are even some devotionals that require you to read one passage in the morning and the other at night.  However you decide to do, but sure to end your day by putting God first.

 So guys those were 5 ways to practically put God first, but I have one more tip I want to give you that’s kind of a bonus and that is to be careful of distractions.  Guys when you decide to do something like this and work toward putting God first in your life the distractions are going to come full force.  You already know what they are…social media, t.v., even people.  Regardless of what comes, choose to be dedicated and follow through.  Realize that you can spend 30 minutes in the morning with God and that social media will still be there when you’re done.  You’re not missing anything.  If you decide to pray mid day, it’s ok to put the phone on do not disturb…you can call them back when you’re done.  If you decide to fast from certain things one day out of the week keep in mind that the things you desire will still be there when your fasting time is over.  Don’t get distracted.  And if you find yourself struggling with this ask God for help, but also do the work as well.

 So that’s it guys.  Start your day with God, journal, get in the word, let your light shine, end your day with God, and keep those distractions at bay.  Try some or all of these things in your daily routine.  If you really want to see some results, try it for 90 days straight.  That’s the best way to form a habit, and what an amazing habit it is to put God first in your life.   

 So I hope that you feel inspired to do the things necessary to strengthen your relationship with God.  To let the light of Christ shine from within you every day.  And to keep those distractions under your feet so that you can give God the attention that He so deserves. 

 So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.

051 Triggered: Managing Trauma & Fear in Society

So, a lot has been going on over the last few days.  The news has been plastered with tragedies that are unthinkable and spark fear.  My family and I just moved to El Paso, TX about 2 weeks ago.  We went shopping at Walmart the night before the tragic shooting so this tragedy was very triggering for me, as it probably is for many of you.  To see people just living their life and then to have their life taken can cause fear, anxiety, and is traumatic for many people.  So today we are going to discuss what to do with these feelings, how move through life without being overtaken by fear and anxiety, and how to support those who are struggling with this new reality in our society.  And so I hope to inspire you to fight the fear.

So guys I had a totally different episode planned for today, but after the news of a mass shooting in the city where I live really shook me.  I knew I had to address this immediately.  First I want to say my prayers are with the families of those who have been effected by these horrific events that have taken place.  So for those of you who don’t know I am a military spouse and over the past few very looooong weeks my family and I moved across the country from Maryland to El Paso, TX.  We are still getting settled in here, but so far it has been a good experience and we’ve met some really nice people here.  So to be going about our morning on Saturday and to have our phones going off and the tvs blasting alarms about an active shooter in a store that’s only 30 minutes away from your house was truly shocking.  After watching the news and seeing the videos of people laying on the ground shot and others hiding while you hear gun shots in the background really made me emotional.  As I watched the news all the thoughts of sadness for the victims and their families, just swirled in my head, but I also had feelings of being able to relate to those who were hiding afraid and waiting to see what their fate would be.  To see people frantic trying to find out if their loved ones are ok or not.  I know how that feels.  My family knows how that feels.  If you’ve listened to episode 22 I tell the story of my traumatic experience and seeing the traumatic experience that others are having can be triggering.  This is why when I mention dealing with trauma I use the work overcoming.  It is always a process.  You never just get over something traumatic that you go through.  You never just forget the memories.  But you become better at handling your thoughts and emotions when the anxiety arises.  So before I could write this episode up and record it, ANOTHER shooting occurred in Ohio and I got on social media I kept seeing the words fear and afraid everywhere.  People are unsure, people are worried, people are anxious, people are afraid, people are fearful because things are happening and we don’t feel in control of what is happening. 

So what do we do with these feelings and emotions and how do we not let it paralyze us?  Well, the first step is to acknowledge your feelings.  This is a crucial part of the process.  Now for many people, they aren’t phased by what has happened.  Too often people see these types of things happen and they just brush it off as just another incident.  They’ve seen it so much that they don’t really think about it, they’ve become desensitized to it, which isn’t healthy.  But if you feel something.  If you’ve been triggered, you must acknowledge it.  You can talk to someone about it, or you can at least acknowledge it to yourself.  Take some time to really sit and figure out what emotions you are feeling and why.  Talk to your friends, your support system about how you are feeling.  Don’t be afraid to share that you’re nervous or anxious because of what is happening.  You can’t address what you don’t acknowledge.  And others can help you if you never tell them what’s on your mind.  The thing about experiencing something traumatic is that the memory never goes away.  You can’t tell someone to get over it, because you don’t just forget what has happened.  But if that person never addresses it, never goes to counseling, never goes to a support group, never talks to someone they trust, they cannot begin to overcome.  This is a tough step for any people because they feel like acknowledging the emotion is weak.  This is why you have so many people who turn to alcohol, drugs, sex, food, and other things to cope.  You’ve got to acknowledge how you feel.  On Saturday I had to admit to myself how I was feelings.  Then I went to my husband and said, I’m feeling anxious today.  All of this has been triggering to me and from there I was able to process my feelings and move from there.  How have you been handling what you’ve been seeing?  Have you even acknowledged that you feel some type of way about what is going on in society?  Whether it’s anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, fear, or anxiety you have to admit to it and then you can commit to working through it.

So if you acknowledge your feeling and realize that you’re feeling anxious here are a few things you can do in the moment to calm yourself:  take deep breaths, recite your mantra, go for a walk to clear your mind, and focus on your surrounding and your senses to help take your mind off of your trigger for a moment.  Doing these things can help you in the moment. 

Now before I talk about what to do after you’ve acknowledged these emotions, I want to tell you how you can support someone who is feeling anxious and worried, and you may not be.  Be sure to ask your friends and family if they are ok.  Have conversations about what’s going on.  Silence solves nothing so try to have open and honest conversations about what is going on.  Now here are a few things I don’t recommend that you do.  Please don’t way things to make others feel as if something is wrong with them for feeling emotional.  Don’t way things like “get over it” or “you didn’t know them why do you care”  or say things like “that happened so long ago, you still dealing with that?”  Guys I know these sound like common sense things, but I promise common sense isn’t very common.  Sometimes when people can’t relate to others they can become insensitive and have a hard time empathizing.  And lastly, if you aren’t sure what to say, just listen.  Don’t say anything, but make others feel comfortable enough to talk to you about their feelings.  A listening ear at times can be more helpful than giving advice.    

So after you’ve acknowledged your feelings you then have to determine what you’re going to do about it.  When stuff like this typically happens it triggers a panic and fear response in people.  When my mom found out about the shooting her response to me was to “stay in the house.”  Now I know she means well and she’s just looking out for my wellbeing, but many of us have that flight mentality after something like this happens.  The fear overtakes us and we just want to stay inside.  I can’t go to Walmart anymore.  I can’t go to the movies anymore.  I can’t go out downtown anymore.  And so on.  But I’m here to challenge you today and ask, what kind of life is that.  If you let the fear win, you’ve let the terrorist win.  That was their goal.  To provoke fear in us.  But we must fight it.  You have to fight the desire to live in a bubble and never come out of it.  Here’s the hard truth…you are obligated to fight the fear.  Yes, it is your responsibility to do so.  If you don’t fight it, what kind of life will you live?  What kind of life will your family live?  If you decide, you know what, that’s it for me and public places, I’m done because I can’t trust anybody.  Think about how limiting your future will be.  Think about how limiting the future of those who come after you will be.  I’ll just myself as an example.  If I would have let my traumatic experience keep me stuck in the house, afraid to go out, afraid to be by myself, what would my life be like?  I’m sure I wouldn’t be where I am today, because the fear would have kept me from doing the things necessary to live this life. 

I’ve explained in the past the main way to overcome anxiety and fear are to do it anyway.  Do that thing that you’re afraid of so that you can prove to yourself that you can handle it.  The same rule applies here.  Don’t stay home.  Don’t plant the seed of fear into your children to stay inside.  Be smart of course and be aware, but don’t shrink yourself.  Live your life.  Remember that you are setting an example as there are always people looking at you.  You are a leader, whether you know it or not.  You have a responsibility to those who depend on you to try and continue to overcome your fear and anxiety every day.  Acknowledge it but push through. 

I cannot imagine what the families of the victims are going through.  But my prayer for them is that they live.  Not that they forget about their loved one or what has happened to them, but that they reverence them daily by living!  That they wake up everyday and choose to go out and be a beacon of strength in the world.  Guys we have to fight the fear.  There is so much in this world that we cannot control.  All we can do is control how we respond and I’m asking you to fight the fear.  To live your life with purpose.  And to be kind to one another. 

So I hope that you feel inspired to get in tune with your feelings during this tragic time, to support others as they work to process their emotions, and to push past the fear by living your life to the fullest.  Make the best of the time we have it, because it truly is a blessing.

So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.     

050 Please Me, Baby! Understanding the Art of People Pleasing

So today I feel the need to take some time to try and free some folks today.  Before I tell you what we are talking about today, let me ask you a question.  When is the last time you did something you did not want to do because someone else wanted you to?  Last month?  Last week?  What about yesterday.  If you’ve done this you aren’t alone.  I’ve noticed that we are living in a people pleasing society and it is making us miserable, and we don’t even recognize it.  So today we are going to discuss the different ways people pleasing is done, why we do it, and most importantly, how to stop the cycle.  And so I hope to inspire you to please yourself.

 So I remember being in middle school and my mom buying me this new candy to take to school the next day so I could eat it at recess.  Now this isn’t something that I got to do regularly so I was super excited about it.  I couldn’t wait for the recess bell to ring so I could eat my candy.  When my friends saw what I had, everybody wanted so…and for some reason, I couldn’t or I wouldn’t say no.  So what did I do…well, I gave almost all of my candy away to my friends to please them, even though I didn’t want to share.  By the time all was said and done they were happy and I was mad at myself.  This is a classic example of people pleasing and I’m sure most of you have a story like this one from when you were in grade school…but what about adult you?  Are you still doing this?  You don’t have to answer this question if you’re not ready, but let me tell you that if you are doing this you are not alone.  People pleasing, boundary setting, and being assertive are areas I constantly address with soooo many of my counseling clients.  I don’t think we realize just how much people pleasing has an effect on your mental state.  Just think about it…how would you feel if you constantly did what everyone else wanted you to do, even though it wasn’t what you wanted.  That has to be draining, exhausting, and frustrating.  But it doesn’t have to be this way.  I know it may seem like an impossible task and a big mountain to climb, but little by little you can begin to go from doing things for others to setting boundaries and having healthier relationships.  I know it’s possible because I help women do it every day.

So today I have my therapist hat on and I want to take you to the root of people pleasing.  Why do we do this?  Why do people constantly put themselves in situations they don’t want to be in, do things they don’t want to do, and even participate in things they don’t care about just so other people will be happy with them?  Well one of the main reasons why people do this is because of FEAR!  If you’ve been listening to the podcast for a while, you probably saw that coming.  Fear is the root of many things that we do.  And if you’ve been listening to the podcast for a while you know that fear often leads to…yep, anxiety.  Excessive people pleasing can be a symptom of anxiety for some.  You do it because you are afraid of what will happen if you don’t do it.  Let’s go back to me in middle school.  I let those kids eat all my candy because I was afraid that if I didn’t they wouldn’t be my friend anymore or I was afraid that they would talk bad about me, or I was afraid of being alone.  So what about you.  What are you afraid of?  Are you afraid that if you tell you co-worker no that they won’t like you anymore?  Are you afraid that if you don’t please your boss you’ll be fired?  Are you afraid that if you don’t do exactly what you spouse wants every time that they’ll leave you?  Are you afraid that if you don’t please your friends they will exclude you from the group?  Are you afraid that if you stand up to your parents that you will be considered disrespectful?  What’s your fear?  What ever your fear is, I promise you it’s not more important than your peace.  There is no peace when you are constantly living for others.  There is no peace when every decision you make is because of somebody else.  Your desire for peace in your life has to be bigger and your feelings of fear.  So there you have it.  The mystery has been solved.  Fear is the root cause of your people pleasing.  Now you have to be honest with yourself or schedule a session with me and I’ll be honest for you, lol, and determine what your fear is.  In therapy we even dive deeper and figure out why the fear is there and maybe where it even came from.  Sometimes that understanding is important so that we don’t make the same choices again in the future.

So now that we know why we people please, let’s talk about how to stop it.  Let me just be real with yall for a second.  Setting boundaries as an adult is hard!  This is why so many people seek professional help on this issue.  Just think…if you’ve been doing this since you were a teenager (13 years old) and now you’re 35 years old, you’ve been feeding this people pleasing habit for 22 years!  This is basically all you know.  This is all those attached to you know.  So to decide to do something different takes time, patience, consistency, and it requires you to do some things you aren’t use to.  You have to become uncomfortable. 

So one of the first things I recommend that people do is to write down the top 3 areas they need to work on when it comes to setting boundaries and people pleasing.  This is how we eat the elephant…one bite at a time.  So instead of trying to flip your entire life upside down, chose your top three priorities and work toward those. 

Once you’ve determined what areas you need to work on whether it be your job, family, or friends, now you have to do the work.  You now have to say no more.  You now have to make the rules.  You now have to set the boundary.  Let me forewarn you: this is where fear will rear it’s ugly head again.  Fear will say to you “if you tell them no that will be the end of your relationship” or if you tell them that you don’t like that idea then you’re going to get fired.”  Fear will begin to try and make you feel like your world will end if you do things differently.  Here’s a new flash: the world won’t end.  But I do want you to understand this.  Not everyone will be happy about your new found assertiveness.  You may lose some people in your life.  Some folks may not like you anymore.  You may not be the most popular anymore.  And that is ok.  What’s more important: popularity or peace?  You choose.  Looking back at middle school me, I was a people pleaser because I didn’t want to lose my friends.  But what I had to realize and what you also have to realize is that if these people leave you because you are setting boundaries and developing healthy relationship, they didn’t need to be in your life anyway.  If they choose to walk out of your life because you no longer live to please them hold the door open for them as they leave.  You don’t need those toxic people.  It may hurt, it may feel lonely, but on the other side of that is peace and it leaves space for healthier relationships to be made.

Now before I wrap things up, there is one area that I feel like I need to discuss specifically when it comes to people pleasing and that is family.  There are so many grown kids who are doing things to please their parents and it is making them miserable.  And unlike your friends and co-workers, you don’t just get rid of your parents.  Hopefully they are a part of your life forever.  So for those of you who struggle with setting boundaries with your parents I want you to also know that this is possible.  The mistake that many of us make is that we are waiting for others to change.  I hear it all the time.  If my mom would just stop doing this.  Or is my husband would just stop doing that.  But the truth is that YOU have to be the one to make the change, and everyone else when eventually get in line.  If you want your parents to start treating you like an adult you first have to start acting like one.  Now don’t confuse acting like an adult with being rude and disrespectful because you can be assertive without being aggressive and angry.  But by acting like an adult you make the rules, you explain them to everyone it effects, and YOU abide by them with the expectation that eventually everyone else will do so also. Sometimes we are doing things that contribute to the toxic environment and we don’t’ realize it.  You be the change first…then you’ll begin to see the change in others.  They will follow your lead.

Guys, no more people pleasing.  We off that!  Be fearless enough to say no, not this time, I don’t want to, and not feel the need to give an explanation why.  Life is too short to constantly spend it wondering what others will think if you do or don’t do something.  Use your mind.  Make your decision.  And focus on pleasing what truly matters and that’s you and God.

So I hope you feel inspired to address the fear that is keeping you from your peace, to be brave enough to put boundaries in place that will lead to healthier relationships, and to focus on being the change that you want to see in others.  Be a leader and they will follow.  So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.

049 What's Your Legacy?

So unless you’ve been living under a rock on Mars I’m sure you’ve seen or heard about the live action version of The Lion King.  Now as I’m recording this, I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I definitely plan to; however, I have listened to some of the amazing soundtrack that Beyonce created and it is a beautiful masterpiece.  The visuals are amazing as well.  Now I haven’t listened to all of the songs yet, but there is one song that has really stuck out to me and that song is called Bigger.  In it she talks about living for something bigger and the importance of legacy, and that is exactly what I want to talk about today…your legacy.  Have you considered what your legacy is?  Have you thought about the impact that you are having on this world and the people around you?  Well today we are going to discuss the importance of your legacy and I hope to inspire you to go bigger.

 So if you look up the word legacy you’ll see a few definitions, but I want to focus on the one that defines legacy as a gift that is handed down, endowed or conveyed from one person to another.  Most people think about this when someone passes away and in their will they breakdown who gets what and who doesn’t, lol.  But legacy is bigger than a will.  It’s more than passing money down from one person to another.  Legacy is also about impact and lessons learned.  It’s about helping those around you go further than you’ve been able to go.  It’s about teaching others and helping them learn how to soar even further.  When you make life decisions and consider important matters you should always consider your legacy.  Consider the impact what you are doing will have.  Consider how it will help your loved ones, your community, and the generations to come.  I talked about this briefly during my interview with Dr. Laquanda Johnson in episode 30.  She mentioned that a major push for her to complete her phd and become a professor was because she considered her legacy and what her position and path would do for her children and those in her community.  Even though it was hard the thought of her legacy kept her on track to change the trajectory of her family’s life. 

So I’ll ask you…what does your legacy look like?  What are you doing that will be passed from you to someone else.  I know there are many of you with ideas and plans that are bigger than what you are currently doing, but your hesitant and afraid to try it.  So let me give you one more good reason to go for it…and that’s your legacy.  I want you to think about how achieving that dream will change the trajectory of your life and those connected with you.  Legacy is apart of the reason why I started my own business.  I want to have something that I can pass to my children if they want it.  Legacy is also why I do this podcast.  This information and knowledge will be passed down to my children and my children’s children, and so on.  They will be able to hear my voice and know what kind of woman I was and what I stood for and hopefully that will inspire them to go bigger as well…even after I’m dead on gone.

Your legacy is precious.  It is important.  And it is yours to create.  Now there are 4 things I want to make sure you know and understand about your legacy that I’m going to discuss.  And hopefully these points will help you become even more passionate about creating a legacy you’ll be proud of. 

The first thing I want you to know about a legacy is that it is not just for people who have children.  I said it earlier that I’m doing a lot of things in my life for my children…but understand, that’s MY life.  Not everyone has children, and it’s just fine.  They still have a legacy to build.  Let’s use Oprah as an example.  Her legacy, I believe, will be felt for centuries to come, but she didn’t build this legacy for her children, because she doesn’t have any.  Her legacy effects her community, it effects women, it impacts children who don’t even live in this country.  You can find a cause that you want to impact and THAT can be your legacy.  So don’t let the thought of “oh I don’t have children to pass this down to” stop you from going big and creating a legacy for yourself.  There are plenty of people who need you to pass down your talents, your knowledge, your skills, your creation, your resources.  So go build your legacy…kids or no kids.

The next thing I need for you to know about legacy is that your legacy is not just your career.  For some reason people believe that their legacy must be tied up in what they do for a living and that is just not true.  This way of thinking can have people feeling hopeless and like they don’t have much to offer.  If you are working a job, let’s say a 9-5 only for income, not for impact, that is ok.  There are so many others ways to have an impact on the world.  You can have an impact by raising our kids to be great people.  You have no idea what amazing things you children may do when they grow up so put the time in to raise them with love and care.  That can be your legacy.  Your legacy can be your community work.  The local baseball coach is a legend.  Coaching is not his job-he works at a plant-but his legacy will be the positive impact he had on every child that came in contact with him.  Your legacy may begin in your church.  My church continues to honor people who have been deceased for years and years because of the impact they had on the community.  Look at your day to day life and see what you can do to help build a legacy with the people you touch everyday.  Creating a legacy doesn’t have to be this drastic thing like starting a business or creating a foundation. Relationships creates legacies. There are so many ways to create your legacy.  Don’t pigeon hole yourself into thinking that your legacy has to be your job, because jobs can come and go, but your impact can last a lifetime.

The third things I want you to understand about your legacy is that it is never to late to create one.  It’s easy to look around society and feel like you are behind or you’re running late to the success party.  But you’re not late, you’re not behind, you’re right where you’re suppose to be.  Even if you’ve never considered your legacy or making an impact, today can be your day.  It’s not too late.  You can choose today or take this week to determine what you want to be know for.  What you want to be remembered as.  You can start right now and still make a change.  Again, legacy isn’t all about money and property so don’t think you need something extravagant in order to get started.  So remember your not late…but please don’t continue to wait.  Start now.

The last thing I want you to remember when creating your legacy is that life is bigger than you.  Guys, sometimes we can get so caught up in ourselves.  Our goals.  Our money.  Our success.  Our job.  What we want.  That we forget that life is so much bigger.  What is life if you have all the money in the world, but no positive impact.  Your never help anyone.  You never teach anyone.  You never touch anyone’s life.  It will all be in vain.  So when you’re creating your goals, start to think about how what you are striving for will serve others.  How will it help this world be better.  Take time to think beyond your nose and see how you can impact your household, your neighborhood, your community, your city, your state, and so on. 

Your legacy is important.  It’s because of the legacy of other people in my family that I am where I am today.  It is because of the work of people who came before us that we have the opportunities that we have now.  So we have to keep this going.  Don’t let the positive impact stop with us.  Make an impact on those around you so that when you leave this world you will feel good about the footprint you left behind.

So I hope that you feel inspired to be the change that you want to see in the world.  To know that you have the power to have an impact on others regardless of your circumstances.  And to go bigger so that your legacy will be felt by generations to come. 

So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.   

048 Living Your Passion with Jessica Lewis aka MahoganyCurls

This month's Inspiring Women featured in our #SheInspires series is none other than Jessica Lewis aka MahoganyCurls! Jessica is one of the top natural hair influencers in the country. She is known for posting educational content, product reviews and advice on hair care and styling on her YouTube and Instagram channels and has amassed a social footprint of over 1.3 million. Jessica is also a mother of two and showcases her family adventures on her Lewis, Love, and Family channel. In this episode Jessica discusses how she turned her passion into her live and business thus, we hope to inspire you to live your passion.

047 Why you mad, Sis? How to deal with anger & meanness

So guys, lets chat about a topic that I think we as a society need to address.  Before we begin let me ask you this.  Do you or a loved on become angry easily?  Do you find yourself snapping at others, clapping back at strangers on the internet, and feeling enraged in traffic?  Do you find yourself feeling great joy when being petty?  Are you barking at your kids and spouse more than you’d like?  Well if you answered yes to any of these questions this episode is just for you.  In today’s episode we are going to discuss anger and meanness.  I’m going to discuss the difference between anger and meanness, reasons you may be dealing with them, and how to handle them.  And so for this episode I hope to inspire you to be slow to anger.

So you may be wondering what inspired this episode.  We unless you’re living in a bubble, it doesn’t take long to see why I think we need to talk about this.  Is it just me or do people just seem plain ol’ angry for no reason now.  It’s like everyone is walking around with the “I wish” syndrome just waiting for someone to do something so they can go off.  I’ve seen it personally.  Whether in the grocery store, in traffic, you can even find this at church.  Folks just seem mad all the time.  And meanness is at an all-time high!  It’s like everyone is auditioning for a lead role in Mean Girls now-a-days. 

So I have to ask myself…what’s going on?  Why is everyone so mad?  Well before I break down a few things that may be contributing to these feelings lets first discuss what anger and meanness really mean.  So the official definition of anger is “a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.”  Guys, anger is a natural emotion.  I won’t even say it is a bad thing.  Just like everything, there is a time and place for anger.  There are times when you should be angry and if you aren’t angered or even enraged by certain things, that may be an issue.  People can be provoked to anger.  It’s possible, but the question I’m posing is why are we proved to anger so frequently and especially so easily?  Now I promise I’m going to get to the whys and the how’s in a minute, but first we have to address another major elephant in the room…meanness.  Ya see, I haven’t lumped anger and meanness together for a reason.  They are NOT the same.  Where anger is generally defined as someone being annoyed or provoked, meanness it a totally different beast.  Meanness is defined as unkindness, spitefulness, or unfairness.  aggressive character; viciousness.  So while anger is something that occurs, meanness is a character flaw.  The words used to describe meanness describe a person who has some very unattractive personality characteristics.  Now just like anger, the appearance of meanness in a person may be attributed to a few things so now lets just into a few reasons why people may be so angry and even mean.

1.      Reason number 1 is trauma and mood disorders.  Guys, if the past isn’t dealt with, it will find a way it show up and anger is one of those ways.  Sometimes people aren’t angry about the life they’re living now, but moreso the things they’ve experienced in life before.  There are times when you see parents being angry toward their kids based off of the trauma they experienced as a child.  Sometimes the thoughts running through a person’s head can be so difficult to process that anger is the way they deal with the world.  Some of these individuals may have intermittent explosive disorder where they literally blow up on people without much triggering.  I often describe a person dealing with this like this:  lets say everyone of us is a pot of water on the stove.  For most of us, the stove is off and the water sits cold.  When triggered, the water slowly heats up and begins to boil thus then we become angry.  For individuals dealing with trauma or a mood disorder their pot of water isn’t cold, it is always simmering, slightly bubbling, thus when triggered it doesn’t take but a few seconds for their water to boil over and they become angry.  Many people don’t know it but individuals dealing with certain mood disorders such as disruptive mood dysregulation disorder are easily angered and often have outbursts.  Now you may be wondering how to you work on this.  How to you get your pot of water to stop simmering so you can stop blowing up on everybody so easily.  Well, the best way to deal with this is therapy.  Often times these issues run deep and it takes work with a professional to get to the root of some of these issues.  Therapy is the best place to work through these issues so find a therapist who fits with you and go visit my website www.mclaurinmentalwellness.com for more information on how to work with me.

2.       Reason number 2 is stress and frustration with your current life.  Guys, you know when it feels like life is going great and there’s not a cloud in the sky you’re less likely to be angry.  But when things are tough, money is tight, the job ain’t it, your family is getting on your nerves, anger and even meanness can show up rather quickly.  Life stressors effect all of us.  Some people become depressed.  Some turn to alcohol.  Some lean on God.  Some feel anxiety about it and worry themselves to death.  And some people turn to anger.  It’s their outlet.  So if this is you let’s talk about a few ways to handle this.  Again, therapy is a great help to process your stress and frustration.  In addition, meditation and mindfulness also helps.  Learning how to breath when become angry.  Learning how to be slow to speak when you become angry.  These things help you to manage your emotions better.  So give that a try.  There are many books on mindfulness and meditation.  Try using the calm app to help with meditation.  Maybe even go to a yoga class, because we have to get this anger under control.  Another way to handle this is to employ laughter.  Like when’s the last time you had a legit belly laugh or just enjoyed yourself with those you love?  Laughter has been known to help relax your entire body, to release endorphins that help you feel good, and it even burns some calories.  If you know that traffic is an anger trigger for you, go on a streaming sight like spotify or pandora and listen to some comedy.  You’ll be laughing too hard to be concerned about the person who cut you off in traffic.  So give those things are try.

3.      Now let’s shift gears a little and go from anger to talk about way people may be mean.  While number one and two may apply, I’m seeing lately that popularity is a major reason why people are mean.  Exhibit one, social media.  Just take a look at the comments section on social media and see when post has the most likes…the meanest, nastiest, rudest one.  I get it.  It’s funny, it looks cool.  It’s all good.  Until someone is making those comments about you.  Unfortunately we are living in a time where people will do and say anything in order to be popular.  Even if it’s just for a second.  But often time with this meanness people aren’t thinking about how what they are doing effects others.  The best way to address this is to have empathy.    I believe that too often we walk around mad at the world thinking that we are the only person with issues.  But that’s so far from the truth.  Everyone is going through something, sometimes we just have to come out of our cloud of stress to realize it, and to especially empathize with others’ situation.  That person with the nasty attitude at the store may have just gotten laid off.  That person who cut you off in traffic may be a single mom who’s rushing to pick her kids up from practice so they aren’t the last one left.  You know ever what others are going through.  So try to keep that in mind guys.  This world could be a long way if we all had more empathy toward one another.

4.      The last reason why people may be angry and especially mean is jealousy.  This one requires you to be truly honest with yourself.  Are you being mean to that co-worker because you jealous of her?  Do you dislike that class-mate because you’re jealous?  Are you mean to that neighbor because she think she’s better than everyone when it’s really you who is jealous?  Guys there are a lot of green-eyed monsters walking around disguised as confident women.  There are so many women we say they are confident, secure, strong women who tell it like it is, but in reality they are just plain mean and jealous.  Let’s be real for a minute here.  Men can be mean, but ladies, let’s be honest, we really know how to be mean and jealousy is a big reason why.  Insecurities rear their heads and instead of addressing our issues, we project them onto others in the form of anger and pettiness.  Doing things to hurt people’s feelings.  Well, as the saying goes, hurt people, hurt people.  So the next time you go to say something mean or nasty to someone or about someone I want you to check yourself.  Ask yourself what’s this really about.  Are you jealous of this person?  Do they have something you wish you had?  No wants to admit this, but if you need a little help I want you to go onto youtube and find Gabrielle Union’s speech on being a mean girl and how it was fueled with insecurities and jealousy.  After her speech Oprah even went on to have an episode about it on her show Oprah’s Next Chapter where they discussed this mean girl syndrome.  So go, have a heart to heart with yourself and your therapist and figure out where these thoughts are coming from that are causing you to act this way.  Now one way to adjust this is to do thought reconstruction.  Once you figure out what you’re thinking about yourself and others that causes you to act so mean and angry, you then work on changing or reconstructing those thoughts.  This may take some time, but it will be the thing that will help transform.

So guys those are just a few reasons why anger and meanness arise in our lives.  Again they are trauma and mood disorders, stress, popularity, and jealousy.  After this episode go sit with yourself or your tribe and have a real conversation about whether any of these things describe you.  None of this has  to describe you.  It doesn’t have to be permanent.  With some therapy, empathy, laughter, meditation, and thought reconstruction you can go from a mean girl to a girl who’s beaming from the inside out.    

So I hope you feel inspired to let go of your inner mean girl and work on becoming the woman that you will truly be proud to be.  To work on overcoming past and present experiences that are causing you to be quick to anger.  And to try and have a little more empathy toward others.  Everyone is dealing with something and your empathy may just be the thing that turns their situation around.  So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.

046 Fear Not

So last week I did a check in with you guys to see how your 2019 was going.  Since that episode I really hope you’ve taken the time to RAP, reflect, assess, and plan the next 6 months of this year.  Now I’m sure some of you went head first into this process, but I wonder if there was an inkling of something in the back of your mind that caused you to tap the breaks on your plans.  A thought that caused you to second guess your dreams and goals.  A feeling that caused you to sit back and wonder if this is possible.  Today we are going to talk about that thought, that feeling…that thing called fear.  Fear has probably stopped more dreams from coming true more than anything else and I don’t want that to happen to you.  So for this episode we are going to discuss different ways fear shows up in our lives, how to get past it when it rears its ugly head, and I hope to inspire you to fear not.

False Evidence Appearing Real.  That’s what I remember being told about fear as a child.  Even though we’ve been told over and over that this emotion of fear isn’t a real thing it sure feels real in the moment.  The anxiety that comes over your body feels real.  The sweating, shaking, stomach churning, and dizziness sure do feel real.  So how can something that’s considered “false” cause so many real issues?  Most of us are afraid of something.  I remember as a kid watching the movie Chucky when it first came out and being absolutely terrified of my dolls and to get out of my bed at night for months (thanks mom and dad).  That event caused me to develop some thoughts that lead to me being afraid.  Now that example seems pretty cut and dry.  But what about the fear you have of presenting at work?  Or the fear you have of quitting your job?  Or the fear you have of ending that unhealthy friendship or relationship?  Or what about the fear of trying something totally new?  Where do those fears come from?  Well often times we have no idea until 1. We talk to a bomb therapist like me, lol. Or 2. We take the time to become very aware of our thoughts and find the root cause. 

Everyone’s got their something.  Everyone.  I know social media will have you thinking that most people are perfect and you’re the only one struggling, but trust me, that ain’t it.  Everyone has their something, and I’m seeing for a lot of women, especially women who have high goals for themselves, fear is a big issue.  The fear of not looking perfect.  The fear of making a mistake.  The fear of not meeting your timeline.  The fear of not being married by 30.  The fear of not having kids by 35.  The fear of being alone.  The fear of starting over in a new career.  The fear of “what will people think about me if they know xyz…”  We are living our lives based off of the fear of looking a certain way in other people’s eyes.  That fear may be what’s keeping you from being your best self, living your best life, achieving the dreams that no one else knows you have.  But I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be that way.  You can choose to feel the fear, but do it anyway.  That’s what I did in September of 2018 when I published my first podcast episode.  I was scared out of my mind.  I had so many fears that were strengthened by “what ifs.”  I talk about the power of what if in episode 006 so I suggest you go back and take a listen.  But I had so many negative what ifs.  And I need to specify that they were negative, because what if can be positive if you choose to go that route.  But with fear running rampant, I had all these what ifs.  What if they hate your content?  What if no one listens?  What if your voice sounds annoying?  What if people leave negative comments?  What if they leave no comments?  And on and on and on.  As long as I had that thought process I sat on those episodes for weeks.  My dream was sitting and waiting for me.  The episodes were ready.  But fear had me stuck.  It wasn’t until I said “what if this works out?”  What if this blows up in the best way?  What if people love it?  And most of all I had to ask myself…what if you never do it?  How are you going to feel?  There’s nothing worse than wondering what if about a dream you had because you were too afraid to try it.  So I pushed the button and here we are 46 episodes later. 

Far too often we let fear win.  We let fear lead our actions.  We let fear control our emotions.  We let fear bully us around.  And I don’t think many of you even realize that’s what it is.  I often say that fear and anxiety are related.  If you have anxiety, you 9 times out of 10 have a fear.  It’s like fear is the parent and anxiety is the child.  Fear births anxiety.  In therapy I specialize in anxiety, fear, and worry and often times people will come to me saying they feel anxious about something and while we do address the anxiety symptoms, I also ensure we get to the root which is the fear.  If you don’t get to the root, the symptoms more than likely will return. 

So ask yourself, what are you afraid us?  What’s stopping you from going all out?  What is stopping you from jumping head first into your desire?  From being who you really want to be?  Well let me tell you a couple of reasons why you may be afraid to chase your dream and share how to push past it. (fear of what others will say, fear of not being perfect, fear of failure)

1.      Fear of what others will say.  This is number one for a reason yall.  We live in a society where we know so much about each other without really knowing each other.  It has made us care about the opinions of people who don’t know us and who aren’t invested in us.  This care turns into comparison, this comparison turns into competition, and this competition turns into pressure, the pressure turns into anxiety, and the anxiety is rooted in fear.  Fear of what?  Fear of what other people will think if they hear that you left that fortune 500 job to follow your passion and become a teacher.  What will they think if I tell them that I really don’t want to go to college, I want to go to cosmetology school and do hair?  What will people think if they find out that my marriage isn’t working and I want to leave?  I’m afraid of what they’ll say so I’m going to stay.  What will they say if I tell them I’m starting a business even though I have no business experience?  What will they say if I do something that no one else I know has even done?  We are afraid of something we cannot control.  No matter what we do.  No matter how hard we try.  No matter what decisions we make we cannot control what other people will think about us!  You can be Mother Teresa and people will still find something negative to say about you.  You can do everything that you think people will approve us and people will find a reason not to like you.  You can even do what you’re doing because for the approval of others and they will change their mind and turn on you.  People talked about me when I was making minimum wage working in daycare and they still talked about me when I started my own business.  You can’t please people.  You can’t control people.  So don’t live for people.  You have to begin to give zero cares about what other people will think because no matter what you do someone will find fault.  For Christ’s sake they found fought in Jesus.  JESUS!  So who do you think you are that they won’t find fought in you.  Live your life and forget with other people think.  I’m sure people thought Steve Jobs was crazy when he started Apple.  I remember people talking mad junk about Oprah when she launched the OWN network.  Yall saw how people talked about Barak Obama when he said he was running for president.  You have to care less about what other people think and do it anyway.  Thank God Steve Jobs, and Oprah, and Barack Obama didn’t let the opinions of others stop them.  When this fear begins to rear its ugly head, remind yourself that your opinion is the only one that matters.  Remind yourself that they don’t have the insight that you do (because they aren’t suppose to).  Remind yourself of who you are.  There’s no way that the opinions of others should matter more than your opinion.  Don’t give people that much power.  So I’m telling you know.  People will talk.  Do it anyway.  Push through this fear.

2.      Fear number two is the fear of not being perfect.  Yall…can I be honest.  I struggle with this one.  I’m a low key, high key perfectionist.  But I have learned when enough is enough and it’s time to just do it.  To just put it out there and let things be.  And this is another fear that is driven off of the perception of others.  The fear of making a mistake.  If I mess up, if I’m wrong, If I’m not prefect what does that mean about me?  That fear can affect your confidence.  It can have you afraid to try new things.  Afraid to try something difficult.  Afraid to push yourself outside of the box because you may not be perfect.  The need to be perfect can have you stuck in a place that’s easy for you, that’s comfortable to you, and that’s not fulfilling your purpose.  Starting over doesn’t look perfect.  Trying something new doesn’t look perfect.  Being different doesn’t look perfect.  But there is so much beauty in imperfection.  I’ve learned that I’ve had way more impact sharing my imperfections versus trying to be perfect.  Being imperfect is freeing.  Being different is worth it.  And here’s the biggest thing for your to remember.  The idea of being perfect is a thought trap.  It is impossible to be perfect because we are human.  We don’t have the capacity to be perfect.  So if you are requiring yourself to be that way you are setting yourself up in a battle that’s fixed against you.  The best way to overcome those thoughts of it’s not ready yet.  It’s not perfect yet.  It can be better is just say “I’ve done my best, now it’s time to release it.”  Have you ever taken a test and had a project due and you’ve sat there and sat there and sat there looking at it over and over and over and eventually you just have to say “I’ve done my best, it’s time to release it.”  Trust yourself that you’re good enough.  That your work is good enough.  That what you produced is great.  Perfection is normally a matter of preference.  What’s perfect to one person may not be perfect to another, so just do your best and release it.  Don’t sit on it, don’t put it to the side, don’t push it to the back of the mind because you’re worried it won’t be perfect.  Do your best and let it go. 

3.      And the third and final fear that keeps many of us bound is the fear of failure.  If I and a nickel for every time I heard the saying “failure is not an option” I’d be rich, rich.  Let me be clear…I hate this saying.  Because it’s not true.  People fail at things all the time.  Failure is an option.  It can happen.  You can lose.  It’s possible…but let me be clear again…failure is not something to fear.  It’s not a horrible thing.  Now, I understand, it doesn’t feel good to fail.  No one sets out to fail.  But failing isn’t this catastrophic thing that we can’t bounce back from.  When you’re dealing with the fear of failure, the fear of making a mistake, the fear of being wrong: here’s what I want you to ask yourself “what’s the worse that can happen.”  If I try and fail what is the worse that can happen?  If I mess up, what’s the worse that can happen?  If I’m wrong what’s the worse that can happen?  Often times the answer is that our ego will be bruised.  But the truth is that if we fail, the worse that will happen (in most cases) is that we start over.  We try again.  Now the tough part about that goes back to fear number one.  We begin to say to ourselves: what will people say about me if they know I’ve failed?  And I say SO WHAT?!  Too often we care about the criticism of people who are too afraid to even try to accomplish what we are doing.  Failure is sometimes a part of the process.  I don’t know too many highly successful people who haven’t made mistakes or experienced failures along the way.  The path to greatness isn’t through a summery field full of lilies.  It’s normally full of ups and downs, twists and turns…and sometimes failure.  Failure is an option.  It may happen.  And if it does, it does not mean it’s the end of you.  I’m sure every basketball player who made it to the NBA finals and failed to win didn’t let that stop them from trying again.  They don’t say: oh well.  I failed.  That’s it.  No more basketball for me.  No, they push even harder because failure can sometimes propel you forward.  Before Bill Gates launched Microsoft he was a Harvard drop out and he co-owned a business called Traf-O-Data that completely failed.  Despite the failure we know that Bill is now one of the wealthiest people in the world.  Thomas Edison who we are all thankful for when we flip that light switch failed 1,000 times to invent the light bulb.  And of course people called him crazy and stupid, but thank God he wasn’t afraid to keep going or we’d be sitting in the dark.  Michael Jordan is quoted as saying “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career.  I’ve lost almost 300 games.  26 times, I’ve been trusted to the game-winning shot and missed.  I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life.  And that is why I succeed.”  Wise words from the GOAT himself.  Steven Spielberg was rejected from the University of Southern California 3 times due to poor grades.  They eventually awarded him an honorary degree in 1994 and he later became a trustee of the university.  Oh and he’s now worth about $3 billion.  Oprah was fired from her daily news show for being too emotional.  We all know how that ended for her.  Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper for not being creative enough.  If you’ve even been to Disney World, Disney Land, watched the Disney Channel you know that the failure wasn’t able to stop him.  And let me make this even more personal.  I’ve failed classes that I studied very hard for in undergrad that made me wonder if I was smart enough.  I’ve been rejected from programs that I’ve applied to.  But just like all of these other amazing people in history…still I rise!  Don’t be afraid of failure.  If you fail just keep in mind that you are apart of an elite club with some extremely successful people who have failed too...but they kept going.

So I hope that you feel inspired to not care about what other will think about you when you’re striving for greatness.  To drop the need to be perfect and release your work to the world already.  And to no be afraid to fail, dust yourself off and try again.  Reach for your dreams, don’t let false evidence appearing real stop you. 

Until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.