I have a question for you. When is the last time someone hurt your feelings, broke your heart, betrayed you, or just outright disrespected you? I hope none of this stuff has happened to you recently. But here’s an even better question…have you forgiven them? Hmmm…didn’t see that coming, huh? Well today we are going to talk about it. No, not the heart break or the betrayal, but the forgiveness piece of it. There are too many people walking around resentful, bitter, and hurt by things that other people have done and it is currently effecting their relationships, mood, and decisions. So, on today’s episode we are going to discuss a few things I think you need to know about forgiveness and I hope to inspire you to Let It Go.
Ok, so let’s que Elsa…”Let it goooo. Let it goooooo.” If your daughter or niece or little sister hasn’t sung that song before you don’t know what you’re missing, lol. Shoutout to my niece Brielle who was obsessed with Frozen for what seemed like forever, lol. Anywho, are there a few things you haven’t let go of yet? Be honest with yourself. No need to be embarrassed if the answer is yes because you’re like most people. Forgiving is a very difficult thing for many of us to do. The Bible talks a lot about forgiveness and Imma be honest…it makes it sound like forgiving is an easy thing to do. But how do you let go of something that has really hurt you? It can be tough, but you deserve to give yourself the freedom of forgiveness.
So what is it for you? Are you still holding resentment toward your parents about something that happened when you were younger? Still bitter about how that past relationship ended? Still mad at your friend for betraying your trust? Maybe you haven’t forgiven yourself for that mistake you made years ago? Whatever the case may be these moments in time and situations can impact you forever, if you let it. Some of you still don’t trust people because of what happened 5 years ago, talking about I don’t like to hang out with girls, knowing good and well that you’re lonely. All because of a broken friendship. Some of you keep ending up in bad relationships or won’t enter into a relationship because of that one guy that broke your heart. Other’s of you are walking around moody and mentally unstable because you haven’t gotten past how you were treated or picked on as a kid. Don’t misunderstand me guys…I KNOW these things hurt! I know they suck. I know they are tough to deal with. But for your sake, you have to get to a place where you have forgiven the person so that you can move on with your life.
Before we get to how to forgive and some ways to help you forgive, let me ask you this: have you truly acknowledged your hurt? Have you cried, screamed, have you admitted that you’ve been hurt? See, many people walk around with resentment and bitterness because they haven’t even admitted that someone hurt their feelings. They haven’t admitted that the way they were treated has truly impacted them. Some of you are mad at your momma, friend, sister, because they hurt you and they aren’t even aware that you’re hurt. See often times we just expect people to know what they did and how it effected you, but that’s not always the case. If possible, have you sat down with yourself and with them to talk about what happened and how you feel? This is something I recommend you do if you can. Keep in mind that this may not always be a healthy option. Some situations will require you to heal without the other person and we are going to talk about that a little more as well.
So let me give you a few things to consider when it comes to forgiveness and hurt. The first thing I want you to try is to be empathetic and understanding. Now I know you’re like “what!??!” You want me to be understanding and empathetic toward the person who hurt me??! Are you crazy? Well, hear me out. This is important especially when it comes to family. Hurt people, hurt people. Sometimes you have to realize that the person who hurt you was only doing what they know how to do. I see this often when working with my counseling clients who are upset with their parents and the way they treated them growing up. I always ask them…how was your mom raised? And the response is usually not good and I have to explain to them that sometimes people are doing what they are taught to do. Now it still hurts, but having that understanding can help you to see that you weren’t the issue, they are. Once you understand this you can go from being angry at the person to praying for that person because you know they have issues that they need to deal with. So try to gain some understanding of what the person who hurt you is dealing with. It can make a world of a difference and make it easier to forgive them.
The next thing that I want you to know about forgiveness is that just because you forgive doesn’t mean you have to forget. Now I ain’t no fool and yall aren’t fools either! I’m talking about forgiveness, but I don’t want you to forget the lesson you learned from what you went through. For some, what you learned is that you don’t need to have a relationship with that person anymore. Forgiveness doesn’t require you to continue things the way it is. It just means that you are no longer carrying around the negative emotions with you. So forgive that old friend, but that doesn’t mean yall have to still hang out. You can forgive your parents, but that doesn’t mean that things have to continue the way they are, you can set those boundaries. Forgive that ex-boyfriends, but that does NOT mean you have to take him back. Keep it moving, lol. So forgive, but you don’t always need to forget.
Now let’s dive a little deeper why don’t we. How do you forgive yourself? How do you let go of the guilt you feel about something you did or a mistake you made. I believe that the biggest thing you need to know in order to forgive yourself is that nobody’s perfect. That’s why we can’t stay mad at folks because we’ve messed up too. You have to remember that whatever you did is forgivable by God and because of that forgiveness you have the right to forgive yourself. Be honest about how you feel and remember that you are human too. We all fall short, so forgive yourself. But it might be hard to forgive yourself if you can’t forgive other people so that’s why we need to work on that too.
So I’ve been asked, how do you forgive someone who won’t apologize? How do you let that go? Well, letting something go is a mental choice you make. Literally, you make up in your mind that you will no longer carry resentment, bitterness, and vengeance toward a person. That’s what forgiveness is. It’s a conscious choice. And sometimes, if the hurt is really deep, you have to make that conscious choice every, single, day! When those negative thoughts come up, you repeat to yourself that you are no longer bound by someone else’s actions. In therapy I help people change their mental narrative so that they can move forward. You can journal and write down your feelings and remind yourself of who is in control. You are in control of your emotions, not them. It’s up to you. You have to remember that forgiveness is for you! Not the other person. Don’t allow your entire life, your decisions, your behavior, your mood to be impacted by what someone else has done. That’s giving them way too much power. Make the choice daily yall. You may not feel the change over night because it’s a process, but it’s a process that is worth going through.
So that’s it guys, that’s my take on forgiveness in a nutshell. I know that this is a serious and difficult issue for many of you which is why I wanted to address it. I don’t want you to be a slave to someone else’s behavior. You deserve to be free. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live a full life, regardless of the mistakes other people have made. So choose forgiveness and get on with living.
So I hope that you feel inspired to gain some understanding of those who’ve hurt you, to forgive yourself while remembering that nobody’s perfect, and to change the narrative in your head from one of resentment to freedom. So until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.