So last week I did a check in with you guys to see how your 2019 was going. Since that episode I really hope you’ve taken the time to RAP, reflect, assess, and plan the next 6 months of this year. Now I’m sure some of you went head first into this process, but I wonder if there was an inkling of something in the back of your mind that caused you to tap the breaks on your plans. A thought that caused you to second guess your dreams and goals. A feeling that caused you to sit back and wonder if this is possible. Today we are going to talk about that thought, that feeling…that thing called fear. Fear has probably stopped more dreams from coming true more than anything else and I don’t want that to happen to you. So for this episode we are going to discuss different ways fear shows up in our lives, how to get past it when it rears its ugly head, and I hope to inspire you to fear not.
False Evidence Appearing Real. That’s what I remember being told about fear as a child. Even though we’ve been told over and over that this emotion of fear isn’t a real thing it sure feels real in the moment. The anxiety that comes over your body feels real. The sweating, shaking, stomach churning, and dizziness sure do feel real. So how can something that’s considered “false” cause so many real issues? Most of us are afraid of something. I remember as a kid watching the movie Chucky when it first came out and being absolutely terrified of my dolls and to get out of my bed at night for months (thanks mom and dad). That event caused me to develop some thoughts that lead to me being afraid. Now that example seems pretty cut and dry. But what about the fear you have of presenting at work? Or the fear you have of quitting your job? Or the fear you have of ending that unhealthy friendship or relationship? Or what about the fear of trying something totally new? Where do those fears come from? Well often times we have no idea until 1. We talk to a bomb therapist like me, lol. Or 2. We take the time to become very aware of our thoughts and find the root cause.
Everyone’s got their something. Everyone. I know social media will have you thinking that most people are perfect and you’re the only one struggling, but trust me, that ain’t it. Everyone has their something, and I’m seeing for a lot of women, especially women who have high goals for themselves, fear is a big issue. The fear of not looking perfect. The fear of making a mistake. The fear of not meeting your timeline. The fear of not being married by 30. The fear of not having kids by 35. The fear of being alone. The fear of starting over in a new career. The fear of “what will people think about me if they know xyz…” We are living our lives based off of the fear of looking a certain way in other people’s eyes. That fear may be what’s keeping you from being your best self, living your best life, achieving the dreams that no one else knows you have. But I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be that way. You can choose to feel the fear, but do it anyway. That’s what I did in September of 2018 when I published my first podcast episode. I was scared out of my mind. I had so many fears that were strengthened by “what ifs.” I talk about the power of what if in episode 006 so I suggest you go back and take a listen. But I had so many negative what ifs. And I need to specify that they were negative, because what if can be positive if you choose to go that route. But with fear running rampant, I had all these what ifs. What if they hate your content? What if no one listens? What if your voice sounds annoying? What if people leave negative comments? What if they leave no comments? And on and on and on. As long as I had that thought process I sat on those episodes for weeks. My dream was sitting and waiting for me. The episodes were ready. But fear had me stuck. It wasn’t until I said “what if this works out?” What if this blows up in the best way? What if people love it? And most of all I had to ask myself…what if you never do it? How are you going to feel? There’s nothing worse than wondering what if about a dream you had because you were too afraid to try it. So I pushed the button and here we are 46 episodes later.
Far too often we let fear win. We let fear lead our actions. We let fear control our emotions. We let fear bully us around. And I don’t think many of you even realize that’s what it is. I often say that fear and anxiety are related. If you have anxiety, you 9 times out of 10 have a fear. It’s like fear is the parent and anxiety is the child. Fear births anxiety. In therapy I specialize in anxiety, fear, and worry and often times people will come to me saying they feel anxious about something and while we do address the anxiety symptoms, I also ensure we get to the root which is the fear. If you don’t get to the root, the symptoms more than likely will return.
So ask yourself, what are you afraid us? What’s stopping you from going all out? What is stopping you from jumping head first into your desire? From being who you really want to be? Well let me tell you a couple of reasons why you may be afraid to chase your dream and share how to push past it. (fear of what others will say, fear of not being perfect, fear of failure)
1. Fear of what others will say. This is number one for a reason yall. We live in a society where we know so much about each other without really knowing each other. It has made us care about the opinions of people who don’t know us and who aren’t invested in us. This care turns into comparison, this comparison turns into competition, and this competition turns into pressure, the pressure turns into anxiety, and the anxiety is rooted in fear. Fear of what? Fear of what other people will think if they hear that you left that fortune 500 job to follow your passion and become a teacher. What will they think if I tell them that I really don’t want to go to college, I want to go to cosmetology school and do hair? What will people think if they find out that my marriage isn’t working and I want to leave? I’m afraid of what they’ll say so I’m going to stay. What will they say if I tell them I’m starting a business even though I have no business experience? What will they say if I do something that no one else I know has even done? We are afraid of something we cannot control. No matter what we do. No matter how hard we try. No matter what decisions we make we cannot control what other people will think about us! You can be Mother Teresa and people will still find something negative to say about you. You can do everything that you think people will approve us and people will find a reason not to like you. You can even do what you’re doing because for the approval of others and they will change their mind and turn on you. People talked about me when I was making minimum wage working in daycare and they still talked about me when I started my own business. You can’t please people. You can’t control people. So don’t live for people. You have to begin to give zero cares about what other people will think because no matter what you do someone will find fault. For Christ’s sake they found fought in Jesus. JESUS! So who do you think you are that they won’t find fought in you. Live your life and forget with other people think. I’m sure people thought Steve Jobs was crazy when he started Apple. I remember people talking mad junk about Oprah when she launched the OWN network. Yall saw how people talked about Barak Obama when he said he was running for president. You have to care less about what other people think and do it anyway. Thank God Steve Jobs, and Oprah, and Barack Obama didn’t let the opinions of others stop them. When this fear begins to rear its ugly head, remind yourself that your opinion is the only one that matters. Remind yourself that they don’t have the insight that you do (because they aren’t suppose to). Remind yourself of who you are. There’s no way that the opinions of others should matter more than your opinion. Don’t give people that much power. So I’m telling you know. People will talk. Do it anyway. Push through this fear.
2. Fear number two is the fear of not being perfect. Yall…can I be honest. I struggle with this one. I’m a low key, high key perfectionist. But I have learned when enough is enough and it’s time to just do it. To just put it out there and let things be. And this is another fear that is driven off of the perception of others. The fear of making a mistake. If I mess up, if I’m wrong, If I’m not prefect what does that mean about me? That fear can affect your confidence. It can have you afraid to try new things. Afraid to try something difficult. Afraid to push yourself outside of the box because you may not be perfect. The need to be perfect can have you stuck in a place that’s easy for you, that’s comfortable to you, and that’s not fulfilling your purpose. Starting over doesn’t look perfect. Trying something new doesn’t look perfect. Being different doesn’t look perfect. But there is so much beauty in imperfection. I’ve learned that I’ve had way more impact sharing my imperfections versus trying to be perfect. Being imperfect is freeing. Being different is worth it. And here’s the biggest thing for your to remember. The idea of being perfect is a thought trap. It is impossible to be perfect because we are human. We don’t have the capacity to be perfect. So if you are requiring yourself to be that way you are setting yourself up in a battle that’s fixed against you. The best way to overcome those thoughts of it’s not ready yet. It’s not perfect yet. It can be better is just say “I’ve done my best, now it’s time to release it.” Have you ever taken a test and had a project due and you’ve sat there and sat there and sat there looking at it over and over and over and eventually you just have to say “I’ve done my best, it’s time to release it.” Trust yourself that you’re good enough. That your work is good enough. That what you produced is great. Perfection is normally a matter of preference. What’s perfect to one person may not be perfect to another, so just do your best and release it. Don’t sit on it, don’t put it to the side, don’t push it to the back of the mind because you’re worried it won’t be perfect. Do your best and let it go.
3. And the third and final fear that keeps many of us bound is the fear of failure. If I and a nickel for every time I heard the saying “failure is not an option” I’d be rich, rich. Let me be clear…I hate this saying. Because it’s not true. People fail at things all the time. Failure is an option. It can happen. You can lose. It’s possible…but let me be clear again…failure is not something to fear. It’s not a horrible thing. Now, I understand, it doesn’t feel good to fail. No one sets out to fail. But failing isn’t this catastrophic thing that we can’t bounce back from. When you’re dealing with the fear of failure, the fear of making a mistake, the fear of being wrong: here’s what I want you to ask yourself “what’s the worse that can happen.” If I try and fail what is the worse that can happen? If I mess up, what’s the worse that can happen? If I’m wrong what’s the worse that can happen? Often times the answer is that our ego will be bruised. But the truth is that if we fail, the worse that will happen (in most cases) is that we start over. We try again. Now the tough part about that goes back to fear number one. We begin to say to ourselves: what will people say about me if they know I’ve failed? And I say SO WHAT?! Too often we care about the criticism of people who are too afraid to even try to accomplish what we are doing. Failure is sometimes a part of the process. I don’t know too many highly successful people who haven’t made mistakes or experienced failures along the way. The path to greatness isn’t through a summery field full of lilies. It’s normally full of ups and downs, twists and turns…and sometimes failure. Failure is an option. It may happen. And if it does, it does not mean it’s the end of you. I’m sure every basketball player who made it to the NBA finals and failed to win didn’t let that stop them from trying again. They don’t say: oh well. I failed. That’s it. No more basketball for me. No, they push even harder because failure can sometimes propel you forward. Before Bill Gates launched Microsoft he was a Harvard drop out and he co-owned a business called Traf-O-Data that completely failed. Despite the failure we know that Bill is now one of the wealthiest people in the world. Thomas Edison who we are all thankful for when we flip that light switch failed 1,000 times to invent the light bulb. And of course people called him crazy and stupid, but thank God he wasn’t afraid to keep going or we’d be sitting in the dark. Michael Jordan is quoted as saying “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” Wise words from the GOAT himself. Steven Spielberg was rejected from the University of Southern California 3 times due to poor grades. They eventually awarded him an honorary degree in 1994 and he later became a trustee of the university. Oh and he’s now worth about $3 billion. Oprah was fired from her daily news show for being too emotional. We all know how that ended for her. Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper for not being creative enough. If you’ve even been to Disney World, Disney Land, watched the Disney Channel you know that the failure wasn’t able to stop him. And let me make this even more personal. I’ve failed classes that I studied very hard for in undergrad that made me wonder if I was smart enough. I’ve been rejected from programs that I’ve applied to. But just like all of these other amazing people in history…still I rise! Don’t be afraid of failure. If you fail just keep in mind that you are apart of an elite club with some extremely successful people who have failed too...but they kept going.
So I hope that you feel inspired to not care about what other will think about you when you’re striving for greatness. To drop the need to be perfect and release your work to the world already. And to no be afraid to fail, dust yourself off and try again. Reach for your dreams, don’t let false evidence appearing real stop you.
Until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way.