So, let’s talk about moms. The most amazing creatures on earth, in my opinion, lol. Mom’s do it all, literally. They carry the child, birth them (whew Lord), change their diapers, stay up all night when they’re sick, breast feed them, console them when they’re hurt, take them to school, go to PTA meetings, soccer games, band recitals, clean the house, cook the dinner, teach them how to read, write, and do math…and more and more and more. Some moms do all of this while working full time jobs, running businesses, and some are handling it all by themselves as single mothers. Some mom’s have even sacrificed their careers to take care of their children full time….and yet, even though they do all of this…mom’s still feel like they aren’t doing enough. Mommy guilt is real, and the best of the best moms aren’t exempt to feeling this way. In this episode We’re going to talk about mom guilt, why we have it, and how to get past these feelings. And so for this episode I want to inspire you to Give Yourself A Break!
Mom guilt is the feeling of guilt, doubt, anxiousness or uncertainty experienced by mothers when they worry they’re failing or falling short of expectations in some way. Being a parent is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. No book, pamphlet, class or conversation can truly prepare you for what you are about to experience when you become a parent. Now, even though the job is hard enough, mom’s seem to give themselves a double wammy by adding this pressure on themselves which leads to mom guilt. So why does this happen? Why do moms have this guilt and this feeling that they aren’t good enough. Well first, let me just say that if you’re experiencing mom guilt, it probably means that you have a deep love for your children and you want the best for them. The pressure that you’re putting on yourself, while unhealthy, does come from a place of love for your children. Often times, the guilt comes into play when things aren’t going as we hoped, envisioned, or as well as it looks like it’s going for others. Mom guilt can also rear it’s head in times of transition such as going back to work off of maternity leave, your child starting daycare or school, or having a 2nd child.
For me, this was the case. I’ve felt mom guilt in many stages of my motherhood journey. I felt it when I had my 2nd child and I was worried that I wouldn’t have enough time to devote to my 1st child, I felt it on days when I was super tired or sick and I didn’t give my kids the attention I felt they needed, but I felt it most of all, like most moms, when I went to work. Transitioning from staying at home to a working mom took mom guilt to a new level. For me, the negative feelings were so strong that I was fortunate enough to be able to make a lifestyle change. My daughter starting daycare was tough for the both of us. When I would drop her off she would cry and I would cry. After a few days of this I told my husband, who was deployed at the time, that I was quitting my job so that I could stay home with her until she was old enough to start school. Fortunately, I had his full support and that experience is what helped me start my business and made me a mompreneur. I was blessed enough to be able to make that change, but most aren’t. Most moms have to go to work after those 6 weeks of maternity leave and it can be hard. It’s tough when you work all day and have to come home and clock in as mom. That guilt pops in when you just want to rest for a while but your child wants our undivided attention and you just don’t feel like it. Trust me, I get it. Being a mom is tough and the demands are high. Never miss an event, always pick them up from school, you must be there to tuck them in every night after reading a few stories. We put all these rules in place when it comes to being a mom and when we can’t keep up we being to worry that our child will suffer. But today, mom, I want to inspire you to give yourself a much needed break. So take a deep breath and let’s work this thing out.
The first thing I need for you to do to help decrease these feelings of mom guilt is to keep it real. I want you to pay more attention to what is real and less attention on what you feel. Feelings will have you all jacked up and thinking you’re the worst mom out there, lol. But being level headed and rational with your thinking will help you to see what is really going on. For example: You had a long day at work and after coming home and cooking dinner you are very tired. Instead of pushing through with your normal bedtime routine of bath, book, then bed…you skip the book and put your child to bed so that you can get some much needed rest. After putting them to bed…here comes the guilt. Here comes the worry and the thoughts that you’re a bad mom, that not reading that book may hinder their learning, that your child will be mad at you in the morning, and so on. As you can see here one small event can cause a tail spin of negative emotions. But here is where I recommend that you do what I do with my counseling clients who deal with this and that is rationalize your belief. This is when you basically interview yourself and find out how true are the thoughts you are having. In the example, if I simple step back and rationalize, I will quickly see that not reading this one book will not have a life long effect on my children. Actually, by the next day, they probably will forget about it. And if necessary, I can address the situation the next day by apologizing or making it up by reading 2 books the next night. But what’s even more important in this scenario is the understanding that mommy getting rest is of extreme importance too! Far too often moms feel guilt for doing things that are good for them and their self-care. There have been times when my husband encouraged me to go out and do something for myself and I’d hesitate and feel guilty for leaving. Now when I step outside of my feelings and rationalize I see that doing things for me is necessary if I want to be a healthy mom. If you don’t take care of you it’ll be harder to take care of your kids. So the next time you begin to feel guilty about something you did I want you to step back and rationalize your thoughts. Really stop and see does this really make sense. Is this really harming my child? Does this really make me a bad mother in my book? Most of the times you’ll see that the answer is no, you’re really doing just fine.
The next thing I want you to do when dealing with mom guilt is to be intentional. For most moms time is the main culprit that leads to feelings of guilt. We never have enough time to spend with our kids doing the things we think are important. When this is the case, I say, be intentional with your time. Make plans to spend time with your kids doing the things you enjoy or need to do. Set a realistic schedule for yourself that includes doing activities, helping with homework, or just spending time together talking about their day. Find ways to show your kids love throughout the day. My son is in kindergarten so he spends most of his day at school. Since my time with him is limited I try to be intentional and do things like leave little notes of encouragement in his lunch box. He loves them and on days that I forget to do it because I’m human, he reminds me that he missed receiving one. With my daughter, Tuesdays are ballet day and afterwards we go have lunch together where she gets to have me all to herself and my undivided attention. Be intentional when spending your time and showing love. For most kids, it really doesn’t take much to make them happy. They really just want your time and attention, even if they say they don’t they still need your time and attention. As your kids grow older, spending time with them may look differently. As babies in meant holding them and cuddling. As toddlers it means running around and playing with them. Right now, with my 6 year old, quality time is wrestling with him. And as they get older we have to constantly figure out what their love language now is. Yes, kids have love languages (there’s a book about it, lol). Be intentional with you love and see how they need to be shown love, what’s their love language. Mom ,we know you can’t be everyplace at one time and that you can’t do everything all the time, but making plans to be intentional with your kids can help decrease feelings of guilt because you know and can rationalize that you are putting in real effort to be there for your children.
Next, this one may step on a few toes, but I need you to Be honest with yourself. Now for some of us, mom guilt isn’t coming from a false sense of worry. It comes from a real place of concern. When analyzing your mom guilt I need for you to be honest and see if there really are things that you need to work on so that you can be a better mom. For example: if you feel guilty because you constantly snap at your kids…it may be time to be honest with yourself and admit that you need to work on your patience. If you feel guilty that you aren’t spending enough time with your kids or giving them your attention. You may need to be honest with yourself and cut back on social media and tv time. Nobody’s perfect, but there are times when we are legit doing things can are contributing to our guilt that if we change the behavior would decrease the feelings. So be honest with yourself and see if changes need to be made.
And lastly, I want you to give yourself a break! I’ve spoken over and over about releasing pressure, being forgiving, and especially showing grace on this podcast and that is because we don’t do it enough. It is not your job to be perfect, it is your job to try your best, and most days you’re doing a great job! Give yourself a break. Don’t be so hard on yourself if you have a tough day. Get back up and try again tomorrow. As long as your are keeping your children safe, they’ll be ok. Instead of worrying, try giving yourself some grace and even patting yourself on the back from time to time for all that you have accomplished. Every day you are growing, teaching, maturing, and loving a future adult, a future teacher, a future engineer, a future doctor, a future dentist, a future soldier, a future accountant, a future mom or dad, a future super hero. Things may not be perfect, but I’m sure if you think about it, you’d agree that you’re doing a pretty good job at this mom thing. So give yourself a break, smile more, laugh more, relax more, and some days, just go with the flow. You’re a mom, that’s your superpower, never forget just how amazing you are.
So I hope that you feel inspired to let go of the mom guilt that keeps your worried and anxious. To rationalize your negative thoughts and be intentional with your time. And to give yourself a break by showing yourself the grace that you so deserve.
Until next time stay encouraged and inspire someone else along the way. xo-LaShawnda